Yamanu's Journal

[Tenaar Feiri]

(( One of my characters have begun to keep a journal, so I'll post his entries here. You're welcome to read & gain insight into his mind, though prod me if you'd like a char to ICly stumble across it & manage to open and read it. Yamanu can be quite careless with where he keeps his things sometimes. ))

A pair of  fairly large, padlocked hardcover tomes lay on a shelf tagged with Yamanu's name in the Temple. If one were to manage to open them, they would prove to be journals in progress.
Vol.1 appears to have suffered water damage.





::::VOLUMES::::
Vol.1 - This post.

Vol.2 - http://sculptyworks.com/lismore/index.php?topic=810.msg3891#msg3891

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::JOURNAL:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Belongs to Yamanu Blacke.
Return to Tirrenelda' Temple if found.





~~~ Entry 1, D-228 Y-20 2nd

    Well I'm not entirely sure how to begin this journal. I have in fact never written one before, though I feel it is necessary to document my life at this point in time.
   
    My name is Yamanu Blacke. I'm the son of Protector Valda Blacke of the Cruentus faction, one of the most skilled warriors of the land here, and of Hazel, an infamous necromancer. My mother was a fennec and my father was a cougar; you can imagine how awkward I must look at a glance.
My name, parents or heritage is not why I have begun to document my life however; I'm not really sure why I have started on this path but I know that perhaps one day, the reason will be clear to me.
   
    I don't have anything in particular to write right now, though I shall add any event of significance to the journal for reference.

- Y






~~~ Entry 2, D-230 Y-20 2nd
   
    I had another incident today. We had a visitor at the temple this morning and he was a piece of work. Disrespectful and cruel, but in such a way that I could not banish him from the temple grounds as I probably should have. I hate it when people work around the rules like that.
I tried my best to serve him, but he continued to throw petty allegations my way, however poorly disguised they were, and my temper and impatience spiked. I could feel that thing inside of me again... that sensation. I can't describe it, but it welled up in me. I quickly assigned another monk to help our guest while I made for the grass fields just outside to calm down. The energy I showed Danath a while ago -- yeah, the one that he told me not to wield again -- it flared up in my hands. I could not control it; I was so upset. The plantlife around me began to wither and die as usual when I get like this.
I've been trying to find a librarian who is supposed to be able to help me control this thing, but meanwhile I have to live with it. And I can't get it out of my head; my thoughts continue to shift toward that power.

Why does it only come forth like that when I'm upset? Why does it kill plants around me when it does? Does this have something to do with my father? Or is there just something wrong with me?

I can't help but feel like a monster.


    I had another visitor later today. His name was Ike. Amelie and Kain's son. He was nice; I enjoyed spending time with him.
His fur colour makes my eyes ache. It's not his fault, I know, but I shall have to find an excuse to avert my gaze from him while we interact so he doesn't take it the wrong way.
It's nice to see another feline with fennec-ish traits for a change.
   
    Nothing much happened after that; Danath asked me to participate in a ritual to bring back someone who was unjustly slain. I disagree with the notion, but I will put my feelings aside and help.

    I've felt really, really off today. I hope tomorrow will be better.

- Y





~~~ Entry 3, D-234, Y-20 2nd

    Four days without an entry. I'm sorry; it takes time to work in new habits. The past few days were fairly uneventful, and I've been gradually improving my condition since last time I wrote here. I'm feeling a lot better today, though still not entirely myself.

I met a homeless woman last night. She wouldn't trust me with her true name, but told me to call her Jade. She's a wolf of course, keeps her body hidden underneath an extravagantly large cloak. I wish she wouldn't hide like that, but I guess I understand why.
We had a little talk during dinner with Danath and the gang. I enjoyed that, even if I was reluctant to converse at first. I guess my social phobia is starting to give way a little, so long as I don't have any repeats of my second entry.

    I haven't mentioned my teacher, Dru yet. She's one of the people I trust besides Hanuman, my mate, my mother and Danath. Yes I know I'm not exactly going to win the reward for Most Trusting Person, but I like to have control over who interacts with me as much as possible. It makes me feel secure. I guess I've always been a very nervous person, but I digress...

Dru is a bunny, can you believe it? The irony of a cougar-fennec hybrid being taught by a bunny is not lost on me. She is very nice about it though, and she accepts my talents and limitations for what they are. Well, what talents she knows of at least. I haven't told her about the energy yet. She used to be a temple scout. I don't know how she'd react to it.
The woman is an excellent fighter though, and she's teaching me how to battle so that I too may do my part to protect the people that I love and help safeguard the island. Especially the temple. Especially Hanuman. Last session, she had me practice stances; she showed me how they work and complement a combatant, and how they will help me avoid incoming attacks and strike back. I think she's also figured out how my adoptive muscle memory works, even more than I do.
When I was asked to adapt the stance, I for some reason couldn't do it. It's as if I don't know how to make my own motions; my muscles do all the work for me and reach into their 'library' of witnessed movements whenever I need to do something, and then I just do it. It was frustrating not to be able to shift my legs outside the given stance. And it hurt when I managed to tilt my head to the side while keeping that stance. So we worked on that for the rest of the session.

I'm really happy that she's so understanding; it must be frustrating to work with someone who's only able to copy others and not be able to do things on his own.
And it all has got me wondering if everything I do is really just copied off of others. I have learned the theory behind acupuncture, for instance, but I'm well aware that my accuracy in placing needles is copied off a master I watched when I was in Asia with my mothers.
I guess it's just as much a gift as it is a curse; I acquire decades' worth of training and practice in the few moments it takes for me to observe a craftsman work, but I cannot adapt it and make it my own work. Here's to hoping I'll be able to 'unlock' my own motions in the future.


    I worry a little for my image. Danath recently mentioned that he wanted to ask Naneth to bring back an unfairly slain person from death to this life. And he wanted me to participate. I've said yes and I understand that it's not quite like necromancy, and that if the goddess says it's alright, it IS in fact OK, but I already have a stigma of being a necromancer like my father over me -- and my issue would just add to that if it came out. Most people wouldn't understand that this was by an act of a goddess and not by the hands of a mortal. To them, revival means something inherently evil and corrupt.
And I agree to an extent. Realizing that I wouldn't have been born if the world worked that way, I personally think that what's dead should stay dead. A person dies when it is his time to die, and I feel that bringing them back would do them no favour. Most spirits are at peace when they die, and those who are not can be guided to the afterlife where they will find rest. Who are we to take that away from them?
It matters little however. I said I would help Danath in the ritual and I'm a man (or boy, as Jade called me) of my word. I just hope it won't come back to bite me.


    On to more humorous matters, I am apparently a walking stereotype. I eat raw meat, hate the water and I prefer my milk warm. No wonder cats have a reputation for being predictable. There was another feline at the table during dinner last night though! (She said she was a dragon, but I saw cat.) She too wanted warm milk. That made the situation turn from awkward to amusing. I learned that I'm not alone in that, which made me feel a lot better. I like it when other people agree with me.


- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

~~~ Entry 4. D-241, Y-20 2nd

    I'm just going to write in this journal when I remember to. The past few days have been quite dull except for last night. Most of the day was uneventful and it wasn't until evening that something happened which is worth writing about.

I'll start at the beginning.

    I'd made my way over to the Rabbit Hole inn to socialize a little on grounds of some advice one of the other monks gave me. I really do need to get better at handling social situations, as many people no doubt have noticed. There I sat around with a glass of water and waited for people to arrive, and after an hour or two, they did.

The first one was a very pretty-looking cheetah with a unique fur pattern, and I have gathered since that his name was Horonai. He had a single sword on his back, and was bare-chested. Said something about having lost his shirt, I think.
The next one to arrive was Crescent, who was in her usual good mood. I haven't mentioned her before, but she is a white cat of unknown race with hair in a red-ish colour. Her twin, Luna, arrived shortly thereafter, somewhat miffed about having lost a spar with her other sister. She has quite the temper, that girl. It's a little dangerous, as I would realize later that very same day.

I saw an opportunity to learn a few new things, and I took it. When I asked her if she would like to spar me, an opponent of much inferior skill, she agreed in a heartbeat. Dru arrived moments later and we all went to the amphitheatre.

There is but one word that which can be used to describe that spar: disaster.
At first it was going great; Dru was giving me some sound advice, and I was mostly just watching Luna as she attacked me and learning her moves. I don't think neither Luna, nor Dru realized that I had no intentions of even trying to win the spar. In Luna's case, I guess that led up to the rather un-thrilling conclusion of the encounter.

I should have seen where that fight was headed when she began to use this odd ability that let her treat thin air as some sort of physical leverage--something I could most definitely NOT copy, and not for lack of trying. I didn't get anything useful out of battle either; half a kick, and a way of approach. There was also half of some kind of headlock trick using the legs, but I reacted too quickly and intercepted it before I could learn it. Almost regret that now.
It all went south when she proceeded to grab me and leapt with me up into the air. Again she used her power to double-jump, and as we descended she placed me on the bottom.

Now consider that the amphitheatre floor is a very hard, unyielding stone surface. Visions of myself splattered on that floor assaulted my mind and I panicked. Luna respected my request to stop, but my body was acting on its own and the next thing I remember, I was sat on the floor, breathing heavily with my 'things' out of my arms, in plain sight for them all to see.
With Luna's comfort, I managed to get them to go away again but the damage had already been done. I think I managed to let Dru know, without being rude, that I didn't want to talk about my issue and I think it worked... but Chaplain seemed to have upset her, so she may just have let it go for now.

Poor Dru. I heard what had happened; the former high priestess, Ursula or something like that, had gone berserk after the death of the high priest, Glasere. At least I think that was his name. Anyway, Ursula (if that is her name; I'll just call her 'Bear' henceforth should I refer to her again--if I'm going to get the name wrong anyway, might as well) condemned demons and the 'unholy' for the murder of Glasere and banished a few people from the Temple grounds, as well as threatened Dru's students at the time.
Dru left the temple after that to find her own way, though she remained faithful to Naneth and Atarni. Now she feels like she isn't welcome back to us, which isn't true at all.
What goes on between her and Chaplain, however, seems to be a different matter altogether. I don't claim to be good at reading people, but Chaplain never said anything wrong that evening, aside from mentioning that the Temple was threatened by goblins and he needed to get back, and after he'd left, Dru seemed... hurt. Like he had said something horrible to her, and she shrugged me off when I tried to comfort her.
She claims that Chaplain hates her for leaving the temple. I don't really know where to stand in this... I like them both. Perhaps I should just stay out of it.


   
    Moving on, I went after Chaplain shortly after to help out with the temple defense and boy, there were a lot of goblins. Hanuman was injured too and I became so furious. I don't want to give any details, but I somehow managed to summon and control my 'things' again. The next thing I know, I am decapitating goblins with them while being attacked by their leader.

My paw is trembling a little as I write this; I am scared. Not of goblins or other things, but of myself. I never thought myself capable of such anger, much less the will to kill a living being. It didn't feel like me, if that makes sense. I'm terrified that it might happen again, and I'd end up hurting someone I love. Or worse: Hanuman.

Hanuman was understanding though. He is such a source of safety and comfort to me. He'll help me.
In the aftermath of the battle, we were confronted by a masked man (I made sure to copy his standing and walking style so we can unmask him some day), and he was responsible for throwing the goblins at us. And he did it as a 'warning', because we had deviated from our original worship or something silly like that. When Mother arrived to shoo him off, I was a little amused, and though she ultimately upset me before she left, I am grateful that she at least cares enough to worry.

On a brighter note, I'm sure Mother is going to flip when she hears this, but Hanuman and I have decided that we want to start a family. I know it sounds off for two males to discuss that but the alchemist can apparently make it happen.

Am I ready for this though? I don't know, but I'm still very happy about our decision. I wonder what it will be like.


- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

~~~ Entry 4, D-246, Y-20 2nd

   Last night could've gone better. I got upset again, because of miss Xela who still seems to view me as nothing but that bastard child her mate had with another. I don't really want to write about it, but I will say that she hurt me quite a bit emotionally with how she reacted to something I said. I was checking on Danath at the time. At least she's a little grateful that I've been treating Crescent.

Speaking of Crescent, she came into the Temple in pieces, as it were; she might as well have been with how roughed up she was. Luna was the one who brought her in, said she'd been attacked by some kind of large wolf creature. Judging from the smells and pelvic damage... more than just attacked. She will make a full recovery but I fear for her mental well-being. There was a growing wildness in her eyes that I can't quite explain.


Spoke more with Jade that night too. She's as elusive as ever, but I'm starting to know her better. And I think I got to her before someone else spread their lies about my existence. Maybe I can find a friend in that girl.
I also think that she's lonely. She acts very tough-like and avoids physical contact like the plague itself, but deep down I think she just wants people to care. And I do care. I'd hug her if she let me. Maybe she'll trust me enough some day that I can help her.



I also had a good rest, and a lot of today has gone quite well too. So far, the only incident I've had is this weird fox boy who could somehow sense my 'issues' and began to talk to me about it openly! At the Rabbit Hole, of all places! I think he wanted to do me a favour, but he didn't realize that I not only knew, but was also trying to keep it on the low-down.
He managed to upset me without meaning to and I felt panic creeping in a little. And when I panic, my issues come out. I was forced to lie my way out of it, and I hurried back to the Temple as fast as I could.

The one thing I would like the least to do right now is feed the stigma hanging over me, but I might just have to bite the arrowhead and go see Abbadon. Danath told me he's with the Temple, and that he used to be in my father's business. He knows this dark magic stuff well. He could teach me to control it. He must. If it goes on like this, I'll end up hurting someone.


- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

~~~ Entry 5, D-252, Y-20 2nd


   It turns out that I didn't have to seek out this Abbadon person I'd been told about; he managed to find me. He wasn't what I had expected. When Danath told me that Abbadon had dabbled in necromancy before he joined the Temple, I imagined a big and hulking male in dark robes covered in skulls, but that couldn't be any further from the truth; he actually look very normal, acted very normal. He took me out to the forest for my first lesson in controlling my emotions.
I learned that my power isn't vicious. It is there to protect me, and it manifests when I am in danger. What I feel when it happens is simply terror; fear that it will go out of hand and harm someone, but I'll have to overcome that. It's definitely dark magic though, he said; very much like necromancy. I'm not sure if I believe that it's that alike however, because Xian told me that necromancy is a practice and not a power, and that it couldn't possibly pass down to me from my father. I'll figure it out eventually. I also learned how to make a small repair to an automail arm.

   Crescent's recovery appears to be speeding up, and last I heard, she's lucid. I'd still rather she didn't get up and walk for a while longer because of the damage, though I suppose there is little I can do to stop someone with such willpower once she sets her mind to it.

   I also asked Jade about her cloak and why she hides underneath it. It seems she thinks that it defines her somehow; that it is somehow her identity. And she still thinks herself a nobody. This saddens me. No person is a 'nobody'; we all have our role to play in the world. We're all significant in our own way.
I'm reluctant to push the matter any further as I don't want to lose what little trust I seem to have been able to create.


   Despite all that, I'm actually starting to feel more comfortable with myself. More confident. It feels great.



- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

~~~ Entry 6, D-259, Y-20 2nd

  Oh wow, I don't even know where to begin with this particular entry, but the bottom line is: Lismore is at war! I'm very scared, but at the same time I'm feeling determined to stay and fight. This is my home, and soon to be the home of little ones as well. I want to fight for that, so Dru has stepped up my training, and I've had to jumpstart my power training as well. I've managed to summon these arms, that I'm going to dub 'shadow arms', but I'm not even close to controlling them yet. I've to practice hard.


I am now a female though. Hanuman and I decided to go through with making a baby (this was before we knew that war was coming), and I took a potion that changed my gender. I still am looking forward to carrying a child, even if I'm a little worried too. I'm used to being a male, so this is a whole other kind of ballgame for me, though I suppose I'll have three years to get used to it. Hanuman didn't leave me for a second in bed though. At the end of the day, we retreated to our chambers and I still haven't slept with how intently we've been working on conceiving.
I'll rest after this entry naturally; my love is asleep as well now.

Mating as a female was a new and strange experience. Just being female seems so right, just as right as being male to me. I should look into a way to gain true gender shifting abilities instead of relying on potions. I know I'll be looked at as weird because of it. I don't really care what people think about me anymore; I can't afford that luxury. I'd much rather live happy my way than their way.


Crescent snuck out of bed last night, and I did give her a talking to for it. Once she'd been out a little while, I made sure she went back to bed and I sent another monk to get her some soup. He'll also stick around the bunkhouse to make sure she doesn't get back up again for a while.
I need to speak with Abbadon about a hideout. Maybe he has an old lair somewhere that I can use? If he does, I'll make sure to evacuate people from the Temple for the war. Women and children first, then the wounded. If there's room for anyone else, then they too.

I think Danath might still be recovering. I hope he won't mind it if I take a little charge in his absence; I won't be doing anything drastic! I'll just make sure as few people get hurt as possible.

Back to the topic of Crescent, I can tell for sure that she's ill now but I've been unable to find any conventional or magical diseases that have all of her symptoms. She said that the large wolf bit her several times. It couldn't possibly be that we're dealing with lycanthropy? The silver test won't work on her unless she has shifted once before however, so I will an extremely negligible amount of silver particles dissolved in water to drink, to see if she has any reaction to it. If this isn't lycanthropy, and I hope to Naneth that such is the case, then at worst she might become feverish from the silver (unlikely). If she does have the condition though, she will be in great pain for a few hours. I'll have to inform her of that so she can decline if she wants.

It might sound a little weird for me to make people drink silver, but silver actually has a lot of healing properties! It strengthens our resistance to diseases if the dosage is right, and also makes us more resistant to colds. Only silver particles dissolved in water though! That is very important! And never use too much; silver poisoning is not only extremely difficult, sometimes impossible to cure, but invariably fatal if left untreated.

I promised Crescent that I would fix whatever is wrong with her. And I will do that, even if it takes me a lifetime.


- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

~~~ Entry 7, D-233, Y-20 2nd

   By Naneth today has been so very tiring. I don't feel like writing about most of it, but to sum it all up: we've all been preparing for Collie's war.

There was also a resurrection of a garuda named Horus. Jade seemed to be very into him. I'm happy for her; she looked so lonely without him.

Won't be able to do my tests on Crescent anytime soon with the war looming over us.

Abbadon taught me some new movements, and we practiced the control of my shadow arms today. That was fun, but tiring.

I'm too tired to mention anything else. Sleep calls.

- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

<Copies of documents regarding the war and the rebuilding of the city are included.>

I'll resume my normal journal routine soon. Hanuman and I had a daughter; she's been keeping me very busy.

- Y

[Tenaar Feiri]

<The following is written in a new, larger tome.>


   Entry #1, Day 95, Year 0 of the Third Age, new journal.

   

The old journal suffered plenty of water damage quite recently and I have had to replace it with this new one. It was probably a good thing anyway; the old tome was small and almost written out. This one should last me for years.

   I've felt a bit empty ever since the war happened. Not because things are going bad for me – quite the contrary; I now have a beautiful daughter with my mate Hanuman, my training with my mentor Abbadon, has been steady in the past few years and I've gained a lot of new knowledge in the field of necromancy, and the diligent work I have done for the Temple has earned me a lot of respect among my peers. It is a good life that I have now, and I like to think that some people even look up to me, but it is not without its caveats; I have had to adjust my behaviour to accommodate these changes, and I find myself struggling with balancing my work and my family.
I have been named High Monk of the Temple by sister Mariah, though the official announcement has yet to be made & I am still awaiting the ceremony. My new role has offered many additional restrictions to my behaviour, and I hope I can live up to their expectations; I do want to prove myself worthy of such a title.

   But nothing I have said so far would warrant this empty feeling I have inside of me when I look out across the island from my usual perch. It is an effect of the war itself, one that I had hoped to get over but alas, couldn't. I think it is from my inability to help defend the land. I was with child at the time – I am quite male as I write this however; never did I intend to remain a female – and I wouldn't be permitted to join in the fight. Though I know that there is nothing I could have done that would have made a difference, I still feel like I could have helped.
I guess in time, I will overcome this feeling.


   On to more recent events, just a few days ago, I had to stitch up a leopard woman who had gotten herself injured. I am unaware of the details, but it was a good thing for her that she was an undead, otherwise we would have lost her in the time it would have taken to prepare our equipment according to our health standards. I had to sew her up rather roughly, but she is still 'alive' today. I should perhaps instead use the term 'animate'; she is not technically alive as we see it.
Her wounds shall not heal on their own however; if I cannot have Abbadon do it, I will need to at last confront my father and convince him to assist in knitting together the undead's wounds.

To confide my true opinion into this journal, part of me wishes I had left the undead where she had fallen to pass on. I dread to think of the agony that the body's original inhabitant may be in today. I will need to confer with my mentor about it.

   On a different note, I haven't been able to resume my training with Dru yet. I am not sure if I will; what little free time I have left ought to be dedicated to my family. Perhaps I can work her into my Temple routines – that is, provided she will come here; I know quite well that she has a history with the Temple. Dru strikes me though, as a very emotional type of person, and it is with no small amount of regret that I fear she hasn't moved on in the years that have passed. We have all been through so much that old conflicts and grudges hardly matter. Then again, perhaps I am simply seeing the world in the way that I want it to be. And that hardly makes me any different from anyone else.


   I wrote about Jade in my old journal. She is doing quite well and I like to consider us two to be good friends today. I met her again in my mentor's library when I picked up this new tome, and I am quite pleased to write that she appears to have finally shed the cloak and is at last embracing a more honest and open life. I feel as though she wants to settle down, which is good, and she already has gotten herself a steady job working in the library.
I wish her all the best, of course, though I will admit I have a sneaky suspicion that this is only a temporary thing. She appears to have lived such a long life with secrecy and deceit, I worry if she will be able to truly settle for this new path she has chosen. Time will tell.

For the sake of my chronicles, I will note her true name and appearance: She told me that her name is Louise, or Lou for short. She is a green and white wolf with average length, dark hair, and with jade-green hands. I estimate she is roughly 179-182cm tall, and she has a somewhat lean build but with powerful leg musculature. I noticed that she also possesses a pair of unusually protruding buttocks. She does walk a lot and clearly has plenty of exercise, but I found that hers looked rather unusual, even for an A-person who would spend most of the day in physical activity. Possible case of steatopygia?
I will have to check it if I ever get an opportunity to perform a physical on her. Steatopygia will more often than not result in back pains and knee issues. I cannot treat it, but I can medicate the pains when, or even if they occur.

I will concede the point that I can sometimes be a bit of a hypochondriac, and that I worry too much, but writing these thoughts down has given me an urge to do another physical on my family to ensure that they are all in perfect health. I will not, however; it is not even a month since last time.


~ Yamanu

[Tenaar Feiri]

Entry #2, Day 12, Year 2 of the Third Age.

It's been a while since I wrote anything here. I really should get back into the habit now that I have more time to spare.
The past year was scary. Really, really scary! I don't even know where to begin, but I can say that we're having a lot of trouble with a Lich lately, one who's been terrorizing some of the people I love, and the rest of Lismore too.
His name is Azoth and that's almost about as much as I know of him still. He has this strange ability that allows him to tap into necromancers, I think. That must be how he got Abbadon. Just the thought of it makes me shake and my blood boil. Not just in fury I notice, but in eager anticipation as well. My mind is consumed lately, with thoughts of vengeance; all I do in the day is practice my Death magic and my combat prowess, and I'm sure the others have noticed lately too. Especially Hanuman & Mariah.

Abbadon and the gang have been busy collecting Azoth's phylacteries so that we can kill him, and that's amazingly well done of them, but I wish I could participate more. I'm not even sure if I'm invited to go help them anymore...haven't talked to Abbadon in a long time. I still have that revenant crystal, which is wasting away in my care. Maybe giving it up won't be such a good idea after all; I could use it against Azoth! We'll see if they remember that I still have it.


I'm starting to worry that Hanuman might notice I'm learning necromancy. Zeela commented on being able to sense the dark energies that I've got building up in me now. I knew someone would, but if Zeela can sense it, then Hanuman might see it. He knows me better than anyone after all. I wish I could stop, but I can't. I need to fight fire with fire; Azoth isn't going to fall without a fight.


I just hope my father will allow me the kind of power that he has, without taking something else away from me. And that I can complete this goal, without losing myself.

[Tenaar Feiri]

   New entries will be undated since the shattering of Lismore.


   Entry #1

   Everything has changed. The world doesn't exist in the way that I know it anymore; the war made everything different. Unfamiliar, imposing even. I try to maintain an appearance of confidence and joy for the sake of my peers and my patients but I find myself awake in the nights, staring up at the roof and hearing the terrors of the great battles, watching them replay again and again in my mind.
It was complete and utter chaos, the armies struck each other down along with us—a massive free-for-all. It was terrifying both to witness and to try and stop. More terrifying was the fact that I had to at last reveal my necromancy talent to my friends and allies, though I don't think they remember. I kind-of hope that they don't remember.

I know what's happening to me. It is a condition that often occurs in warriors after traumatizing battles, but I never did think I would be one to suffer its effects. It goes to show that I am not invincible after all, I suppose.

I'm not sure if the others have noticed that I'm not really happy, but I hope that they won't. I shouldn't lie to them, though I already feel so out of touch with Naneth and even Atarni, I fail to see the point in upholding all of their tenets anymore.

I have become very skilled in my unholy practises however! I need to be extra careful now; the other day, I was reanimating a dead critter I'd found in the forest and I didn't even have to concentrate on it anymore to keep it animate and functional. It's very easy now to accidentally reanimate something without meaning to, and never realizing I've done it. I know I'm not going to be very appreciated if I start bringing up corpses from the ground in the middle of the city of something.
I can feel the power growing within me and oddly enough, it seems to feed on my struggles with moving past the war.

Father tells me that I will become a great wielder of the arts some day, but that there is something holding me back: compassion. I think he means for me to forsake my values in search of power, though I refuse to let go of my compassion. I want to prove to everyone that necromancy itself isn't inherently bad, and that one doesn't have to become a power-hungry monster to wield it masterfully. Yet at the same time, there is a tiny, almost insignificant voice in my head that tells me otherwise.

Though the gods may have abandoned me by now, I will not give in to this corruption. I will deal with my stress and grief in my way, and I will not embrace it and let it control me. I will not let go of my compassion, no matter what Father says. It is my greatest strength, and it will be the driving force of my Necromancy some day!

I must pray and meditate more. Through peace of mind, rigorous routine and health in body, I will master the growing darkness and turn it into light.

[Tenaar Feiri]

   Entry #2

   This is a bit ridiculous given that I just re-started the journal for the second time in just as many years, but this may yet be the last journal entry that I'll write.
My father and I, we have been working on a new type of resurrection that will actually break both the laws of nature, and the law of equivalent exchange. A resurrection that allows us to bring a spirit back from the other world, and manifest them in the live flesh just as they looked when they were alive, using nothing but energy!

Unfortunately, the amount of energy we would need to do so artificially is insane, so we have thought up a different solution. But it requires a bodily sacrifice...my body, to be precise. If I can persist and bring myself back into the living world, my connection with the spirit world will allow me to channel these energies in the manner of which is required to complete our experiment.

I know that what I am doing is wrong in the eyes of Tirrenelda', and I pray I will be forgiven some day. Now I'll just have to figure out a way to say goodbye to my loved ones without actually saying goodbye, just in case it fails.
If it fails though, and someone finds and reads this journal then I, Yamanu Blacke, have perished. I have left all my notes in my locked drawer at the infirmary. These notes contain medical details, as well as details on my experiments with necromancy and other unorthodox medical treatments, as well as my salve recipes. Though most are incomplete, I wish all but the necromancy notes to become public knowledge.
All my other possessions will befall my mate, Hanuman, and our daughter Juno.

That being written, I am confident in the success of this experiment, and that success is sure to benefit the rest of the world. Knowledge for knowledge's sake...maybe even hope, to some.

[Tenaar Feiri]

Entry #3

    First and foremost, the experiment was a complete and utter success! I am very much alive presently, and almost everything worked out exactly like planned. I see the world in such a different light now, and I feel the energy in a way I've never felt it before. There is a sense of pride within me, knowing that I succeeded in transcending even death itself through the sheer force of my will.
It has not come without drawbacks however. The process has left my eyes blind to the world as everyone else sees it, and my sense of touch and even pain has been greatly impaired.

Valencia described my new way of seeing the world as a kind of soul sight, and I guess in a way, she is right. But the more I use my vision, the more I've come to realize that I may not be seeing souls, but energy itself! Life energy, magical energy, all kinds of it! The world is like a black canvas to me, and I see it like dancing colours and waves of light that crawl around objects, reverberate off of surfaces and even reflect against them, I can even see THROUGH objects. In people, I see their life. Their life energy now manifests as silhouettes to me, and within that energy I can see their magic if they have it. The stronger the energy, the brighter it is.

The world is full of energy! Literally! Unfortunately, one of the drawbacks of my new sight is that I cannot see the finer details. I cannot see textures, nor can I read--a friend of mine is writing down my words for me, and I have trouble seeing small objects in the world because their feedback is too insignificant. I discovered this when I was struck by a pebble. I looked around and it was not visible to me until I got real close to the ground.
There are other drawbacks as well: I can only feel the touch of something living. To feel something that is not alive, I must see it, otherwise my mind does not seem able to connect the impact with a sensation. I found this out when Mishra started cutting into me to see how I work, and the scalpel didn't hurt. But I could feel is touch upon my body like I've always felt.
No, the sensations only come when I see what is happening, and I suspect that is only because I remember and know what it would feel like. But all these drawbacks pale in comparison to what I have gained: the ability to pull a spirit from their realm, and manifest them in the flesh as living beings once more in ours.


I am eager to see what other things I will discover in my new existence.

[Tenaar Feiri]

Entry #4


    It has been a long time since I have written anything at all in this journal, and it is not for lack of things to write about. It is simply I have not been much in the mood to document anything until today.
It is Day 245 of the 7th year, 4th Age. I am writing this -- yes, actually writing for a change -- to document some pressing matters that have weighed me down for the past years, that I worry shall drive me away from Lismore and this whole realm once and for all. I am using a special brew of ink today that clots upon contact with paper, allowing me to see what I write and where I write it. This is the ink I shall be using for future entries.


Nanath the Great Mother and Atarni the Great Father have struggled with reaching us in the years since we became a nation in the sky realms, and they recently gave us the message to turn to a new goddess in their absence: Nephele. I was not there to witness the exchange, I heard it through the mouth of another. At first I did not believe that Nanath and Atarni were no longer able to reach us here, but I suppose I always knew that this would happen. I felt it. I felt their weakening presence. I prayed it was just because of what I had become, but alas it was not so.
I am scared and conflicted. I wish to continue my worship of the Mother and Father, but I know I will never get an answer from them again, nor shall I feel their presence whilst mine remains on Lismorian soil. They have instructed us to turn to Nephele, but She makes me uncomfortable. She and I are not compatible; our very natures contradict each other, and I cannot be comfortable in her presence. It feels as though she stares at me with scorn every time I make for the Temple islands.


I do not understand how the others were able to adapt to this change so fast. My heart refuses to let go of Mother and Father, and futilely I reach out into the void that was their light in search of a path I might traverse, so that I may once again be engulfed in the star that is their presence. Not even my powers allow me to cross this void.
It feels wrong to apostatize Naneth and Atarni for Nephele's sake. They have watched over me since I was a young boy seeking his place in the world, and they have protected me from dangers I did not even know existed. They saved my life. I do not know Nephele. I have no connection with her, and even if we were compatible alignment-wise, I fear I would still show disinterest in her presence.


Shaya intends for me to meet with Mariah when she feels better to talk about the matter. Radem also provided me with some good advice. I will discuss my situation with Mariah when that time comes, and I will tell her how I feel. I will tell her that I can no longer be a part of this Temple, that I wish the best for them in the future. I hope she will understand that I simply cannot switch to a different god, whether mine want me to or not. I am not strong enough.
When my business with Mariah and the Temple has been settled, I shall go on a pilgrimage to the place where Mother and Father have the strongest presence, somewhere I shall leave undisclosed in this journal in the event it is read and I am to be followed. But it is the birthplace of the Tirrenelda' religion. I hope to find answers there.


Should I be gone for more than two years and you are reading this journal seeking knowledge of my location, I must first apologize. Am I not back by the time you read this, then I have decided to stay in the Old World and carry out my practice at Tirrenelda's birthplace, or one of its surrounding temples. Take upon you a quest to bring me back, and it shall be in vain. I am likely never to return.


I am sorry, Hanuman, my cherished mate and love of my life; forgive me, Juno, my beautiful darling girl. I am seldom at home, I have been selfish, and I may be selfish once more. Should Naneth and Atarni reject me, or should I decide to return to Lismore after all, I vow that I will quit my job at the infirmary & spend the rest of my days with you two.
Should I not, and you should read this, I leave, for Juno, behind my staff. May she wield its great power with caution and respect.
I love you both.


To my family at Cruentus, I am sorry we could not get along better than we did. I love my two moms dearly, and I love my siblings just as much. I wish you all the best.


If everything goes as planned, I will have departed on the morrow following my meeting with Mariah.




~ Yamanu Blacke