Fawn: A Woman of the Deer People

[fawn]

From there everything seemed to go very fast. One day a number of males came to see Master, to talk him into going back to the army. They were secluded in his room for hours, arguing. I didn't deliberately eavesdrop, but I couldn't help overhearing some of what was said – and shouted. A slave learns to use whatever sources of information she has simply in order to survice.

When they called for food I took it in, but I keep my eyes and ears lowered. Even now it is still frightening to be in the midst of so many hungry carnivores. But they paid me no attention, grabbed the food and went back to their arguments while I fled.

The wolves argued and drank late into the night. I fell asleep by the fire in the kitchen. When I woke up it was morning and the house was quiet. I did my morning chores and went outside to just sit. Master finally emerged and did his martial exercises.

Detachment and serenity evaded me that morning as I watched the sunlight gleam on his fur as his body flowed into postures of attack and defence. Was this the last time I would see him? He came and sat with me in silence for a while, then he said, "Well, you are obviously dying to speak, Fawn. Out with it."

"Will you go with them, Master?"

"I wish I did not have to. Right Livelihood is to abandon trades that harm people or other living things. But I must, little one. The enemy has broken the peace, if they are not stopped it will be terrible for everyone. Sometimes you must do things you would rather not, for the greater good."

I didn't want him to go, but what could I do? I helped him to get his kit together and pack. Then we stood in front of the house and he embraced me. "There is only one more left to tell, Fawn: Right Concentration is living every minute in full concentration of mind and body on Right Mindfulness, Right Effort, Right Livelihood, Right Action, Right Speech, Right View and Right Intention."

I was hardly listening. "Will I ever see you again, Master?"

He kissed me on the forehead. "I will return for you, Fawn. Wait for me." Then he turned and I watched him march away forever.

[fawn]

For a few weeks they let me look after the house and keep things tidy. Maybe they thought Master Claudio was coming back soon. Maybe they just forgot about me. Eventually an overseer came and collected me and took me out to to the fields to work with the others. At night I slept in the shed again. By now my pregnancy was beginning to show.

Later I heard that Master Claudio had been killed. The family declared a period of mourning. I mourned too, silently.

I gave birth in high summer. Shadow attended the birth, she took the babies away without letting me see them or hold them. She told me they had been born dead, twin boys. No doubt she was only doing what she was told to do. Perhaps she thought it was for the best. I believed her. I was not to know for years that she had lied to me: My little boys were alive.

After that my memories become very confused. I lost the ability to speak for a time, I was so sad. People spoke to me and I couldn't concentrate long enough to make out what they said, let alone reply. I remember Demeter and Persephone talking about me, concerned, but it was too much effort to follow. I was numb, my soul bruised.

Somehow I got confused. I couldn't remember if I had had one miscarriage or two, and over it all hung that terrible arc of blood spattered on a wall. It seemed as if nothing but death had ever come out of my womb. I began to have this terrible suspicion that my time with Master Claudio had been a delusion: a wish fulfilment fantasy that I had imagined in order to make life as a slave bearable. There were two versions of reality in my head and I could no longer tell which one was true. I was too tired to care. I wished I was dead. I numbly wanted to survive.

I don't remember very much of this time. I got sick, I had a fever, and a cough that wouldn't get better. I stumbled to work. I stumbled back again. I had little awareness of anything outside my own misery.

One day they separated me out from my daughters and the other slaves and pushed me over to join a group of worn out useless old slaves sitting by the side of the road. They marched us into town and sold us. Guards made me kneel by an anvil while a smith put bands of metal round my neck, and my fore and hind hooves, threaded them with chain, and hammered them closed with more metal. I watched on numbly, seeming almost to see myself from outside.

Then they joined us together into a long file, joined by a chain, and marched us to the dock and up the gangplank onto a ship. Even in my dazed state the stench hit me – piss and shit and dirt, and death. It made the very air feel filthy. I had no time to look around, they marched us down into the pitch black hold, and chained us onto narrow benches in in the foul smelling darkness. I wondered if I would ever see the light again.

[fawn]

Darkness. The sounds of many bodies breathing, talking, shouting, screaming... I was dying of thirst, lying in the darkness, my muscles ached, the chains pinned me in place. After three weeks the metal had rubbed me raw around my wrists and ankles and neck, wounds that festered in the stinking air.

I couldn't move. I longed to stretch, to run. I longed to clean myself, to bathe. I was covered in my own filth. My cough persisted. I slept as much as I could, until I couldn't sleep any more. Then I woke and I was still lying in the stifling darkness, chained, unable to move. I moaned. I shouted for help. I begged. I screamed. It made no difference.

I tried to occupy my mind. I silently repeated the things my Master had said to me. Who cared if they were real or not, they were better than this place. Right Intention is to have good will and compassion for all, I repeated to myself, over and over. Right Intention is to have good will and compassion for all.

The little male who lay next to me had a different mantra. He was some kind of a squirrel. "We're in Hell," he said, voice croaking from thirst. "We're in Hades. We're in Hell. We've died and gone to Hell. We're in Hell..." The male on the other side kicked at him and screamed at him to shut up, but I don't think he could by that stage. He died soon after that.

Sometimes I still wake up with his voice in my ear. "We're in Hell..."

Every day they would drag us up on deck and give us water, feed us a meagre ration of biscuit, and fore us to dance with the threat of blows. It was bizarre. We stood on the deck, blinking in the bright sunlight, weighed down with heavy chains and danced and shuffled while our tormentors kicked us, prodded us with truncheons or laughed.

It grew hotter. Days, weeks passed. The wind died, the ship was becalmed, we sat and rocked on the top of the sea, going nowhere. People began to die. Every day when we were up on deck they they would cut the dead free, hack them loose from their chains and throw their bodies overboard. Gulls swooped and fought over their remains. The stench was indescribable.

Then disease struck the ship. Everywhere the slaves packed in the hold were coughing, puking and pissing. More and more bodies were thrown over the side. I remember feeling weak on one of the last times they dragged us up into the light. I was burning, burning up with fever, chained on my board in the hold. There was more space now, many had died. I found it hard to breathe, ever breath was an effort, I would fall asleep and wake up choking. I couldn't sleep, I couldn’t breathe, it was getting harder and harder.

Goddess, I whimpered, if you get me out of this I will never hurt another animal as long as I live.

There was no reply. I burned. I struggled for breath, I fought, I grew weaker, I whimpered, dying of thirst, I would have screamed, but there was no energy left for that, every ounce of strength went on drawing another breath, and then there was no strength left. I needed to breathe. I couldn’t breathe. Pain exploded through my head and then I seemed to float in the darkness. Mother, I give my soul to you.

I died.

[fawn]

I floated above my body, looking down at myself, a surprisingly familiar feeling. Although it was pitch black I could see myself clearly, curled around the chain, lips drawn back in a snarl as my body had exerted every effort in a vain attempt to draw one last breath.

Some time later they dragged my body up onto the deck, attached to the still living slaves by chain and collar. A half naked lemur used a machete to slice off my hooves and tossed them over the side. He hacked off my head with several messy blows. It smashed against the rail and splashed into the sea and sank out of sight. He hauled my body free of the chains and threw it over the side as well.

The shocking splash of cold water reunited my soul with my body. I was sinking into the water, the light gradually receded away above me. I could see the shape the ship made in the water as a shadow, a silhouette, gradually getting smaller and smaller. It got dark. The light faded, and faded, and faded. It was gone.

[fawn]

Memories

The Story of Fawn: A Woman of the Deer People

PART TWO: Maiden

Darkness. How long did I float in darkness? Seconds? Hours? Days? I don't know: time has no meaning when you're dead.

At some point I became aware of a voice calling my name, and I was enfolded in warm embrace. "Mother?" I asked. It was my mother, she smelled like my mother, more than that, she smelled more like my mother than my mother had: warmth, milk, babies, hearth smoke, fresh bread. She smelled like the essence of motherhood.

"Fawn, I'm sorry." The kindness and sorrow were evident in her voice. "It wasn't supposed to work out like this. I wanted to help so badly, but I couldn't. I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Mother. I know it's not your fault."

She sighed and I nuzzled her breasts, I must have been about the size of a newborn, and I must have had a snout, and a head, and hooves. Everything was black, I couldn't see her, but her smell, and the kindness of her voice, that was truth.

"I can't tell you how it hurts, Fawn, watching what people do to each other. Wishing you could help, wishing you could save just one..."

"Can't you, Mother?"

"It's not allowed. There are rules. Even I cannot interfere."

"I'm sorry."

"Fawn, my sweet Fawn, it's so good to hold you again. I've ached for you. My daughter. My own sweet Fawn. I'm so proud of you...." She rocked me in her fore-arms, cradled against her breasts while I was subsumed in an infantile bliss of warmth and love and satisfaction. "Fawn," she asked softly. "I must beg a favour from you."

"Anything, Mother, it is yours."

"Please hear me out, sweet Fawn. I have a little chance to help out here, the merest crack through which to show my love in the world, but only with your help. Would you agree to go back?"

"Go back? What?"

"Go back to life. Go back to the world. For me. There is still work for you to do."

"But I'm useless. Weak. A complete failure at anything I ever attempted."

"You are my beautiful Fawn, and I love you. I want you to go back into the world and share my love with others. There is... just a chance it may be possible."

"I will, if you think... If you want me to."

"I do."

"Then I'll do it."

She licked my back and sighed. "It will be hard. To be parted from you, but necessary. To give you back life I must take something of equal value from you. I'm sorry, but rules are rules."

"Anything."

"Let me see, perhaps I can fudge things a little. I will take your memories. So much suffering, they would just make you unhappy." My memories, it seemed almost a relief to be rid of them. Hardly a great cost. "And I will take your magic."

"Magic? But I don't have any magic."

"You never used it, so you will never miss it. Farewell, sweet Fawn, till we meet again."

She breathed life into me, her breath flowing into every part of my body, bringing it to life. It hurt. Suddenly I was thrust up into the light, splashing through the surface and gasping for breath. It hurt. Drawing breath hurt, everything hurt.

I was floating on the sea, everything was moving up and down, waves towered over me and then swept me up and over the top. I saw a flash of green, and instinctively I paddled in that direction. With the last of my strength I clambered aboard, a log, a tree trunk, rolling low in the water, leaves still green. I coughed my lungs up, then lay on the trunk, gasping for air. I was alive?

The breeze tugged at my fur, chilling me. Against the horizon I caught a glimpse of a forest of canvas sails, filled with air, a ship, sailing briskly towards the horizon. I was too tired to even lift my head. Already half unconscious I embraced the trunk and felt utterly exhausted. Who was I? What was my name? How had I come to be in the middle of the sea? What was going on?

I couldn't remember. I slept.

[fawn]

Hot. Thirsty. I woke up, the sun glaring in my eyes. My back was burned, painfully, I winced as I touched it with my hoof pad. I scanned the horizon. Glaring sun, reflected in blinding water. There was nothing. The tree trunk rocked gently in the swell. I slumped against the bark, then crawled up to find what shelter I could from the now wilting green leaves.

I took a mouthful and chewed on them, they were fairly tasteless, but perhaps some moisture remained in them. I took another mouthful, then another, then slumped again, rolling on my side to shelter my back from the sun. I closed my eyes for a moment. Sleep claimed me.

*

A burning furnace. The sun whirled towards the horizon. I couldn't move, couldn't reach the leaves. Was I going to die here without ever learning my own name?

*

I gasped as I awoke, whimpering from the pain in my burned skin. It was dark. A dim figure held a gourd to my muzzle. "Drink this," a feminine voice said. "You're dehydrated. Drink." She didn't need to tell me twice, I drank the water in big gulps, it tasted incredibly sweet. Life seemed to flow into my body. She touched my skin and I whimpered with pain.

"You're all over burns under your fur. You must have been adrift for days. And there are scars. Let's see what I can do." She raised her paws, and they began to glow, a soft blue glow. I lay looking up at her, even in the dim lamp light in the hut I could make out that she was white, pure white, a most unusual colour, I hadn't seen anyone with fur like that before. She smelt catlike, but not quite, a half-feline, perhaps. Some kind of hybrid.

She closed her eyes and lowered her paws to touch me and coolness flowed out across my skin, delicious   liquid coolness that seemed to suck all the pain out of my burns. I sighed with relief. Then she turned her attention to the scars around my wrists. They were rubbed raw. Her paws glowed, she touched my scarred wrists and... the glow suddenly blinked out.

"What the?" The white feline muttered.  She tried again, building up a strong blue glow, touching the scars, and the light instantly blinked off and was gone. "That is really odd. I've never seen anything like that before."

"I'm sorry," I croaked. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing to worry about, I'm sure." She got me another gourd full of water and I drank it as greedily as the first. "My name is Naurel, what's yours?"

"I ah..." I strained, there was nothing, a faint whisp of thought or memory, I grabbed for it, and surprised myself. "Fawn? I think...? I'm not sure." Was that really my name?

"Fawn. Welcome, Fawn. You've been a few days in the sun, it seems and looks like you've got a head injury too. Let me see if I can help." She bade me to lay still and tried the glowing thing on my head, but again it just vanished. She was trying to heal me, I realised, the light that had miraculously taken away the pain of my burns had no effect on my wounds at all.

Naurel tutted and shook her head. "You are quite the mystery, my friend. Where did you come from, Fawn?"

I shook my head, bewildered. "I don't know. I don't remember."

She examined me closely, the raw wounds around my wrists, ankles, and neck, now some days healed through immersion in salt water. The brand on my shoulder, and old whip marks, the raw wound on my head seemed to give her the most concern. She tried to heal them all. She muttered in her frustration. "You have less manna than a rock!"

Then she remembered her bedside manner and smiled. "I'm sorry, I can't seem to do anything more, you have a very unusual aura, but you do seem to be healing naturally. Rest until you feel better. Maybe another healer can help you. " This was modesty, I learned later. Naurel was the best healer on the island, and if she couldn't heal someone then they couldn't be healed at all, most probably. "Do you remember nothing at all?'"

"No, nothing, I, I, who am I?"

She hmmed. "Well, perhaps that is for the best, or... perhaps you do that very well?" She looked at me for reaction, and, getting nothing but a confused doe-eyed stare in return – what on earth did she mean? - continued. "It looks like you are a slave?"

"A slave? Me? Really?"

"Yes. You bear a slave brand, and your scars may have been caused by manacles and an iron slave collar. I've seen plenty of them before."

"I... But... where am I from?"

"I don't know. But you can't stay here."

"I can't?"

"No. You can't. The Captain would make you a slave again. Can you walk? Are you strong enough?"

"I think so?"

I tried to get to my feet, but nearly fell, and she had to support me. She let me out of the hut, supporting me. It was night time. She led me out of what appeared to be a small village, up a bank, through some trees, to a wooden post set in the ground, where a shadowy figure waited for us. Naurel handed me over to him. He was male, a wolf, his smell was oddly reassuring.

"Her name is Fawn," she told him. To me she said, "This post is the border," Naurel said. "There's a line of them right across the island. Stay on the other side: There is no slavery allowed there. Don't come back onto this side or Tibur will enslave you again. I'll come and see you in a few days."

"I – I thank you..."

But with a nod to the wolf she had turned and strode off back down the hill was only a distant ghostly shape vanishing among the trees.

"Come on." The wolf supported me and led me on through the trees and out into the open grassland.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Shadow."

I laughed. "S-someone wasn't being very imaginative." For some reason it struck me as amusing.

He just shrugged. "It's a common name among wolves."

I leaned on his shoulder and he helped me to stumble onwards, I was already feeling a little stronger, the night air revived me. We skirted the shadow of an enormous solitary tree, and and some tumbled blocks of marble, and came to a circle of tents around a fire. A few furs were seated there and looked up as we approached, nodding greetings. Shadow led me to a tent. "You can rest here tonight. Sleep." I lay down on the bedroll he indicated, wincing as the pressure made my head wound throb, but I was so tired I was asleep almost before I closed my eyes.

[fawn]

Sunlight was flickering in my eyes, filtered through branched and cloth. I opened my eyes. I felt better, my head didn't hurt as much. I got up carefully and poked my snout through the flaps of the tent. The camp was pitched in the shadow of an immense tree, a real forest giant, but solitary, in the middle of a sea of grass. All around there were tumbled and broken blocks of stone that looked centuries old – an ancient ruin. There was a pretty young black and white female wolf poking away at the fire. I watched her for a moment, then she turned and smiled at me. "Hello sleepy head!"

"Um, Hi, I'm Fawn."

"I know. Shadow said. He found you. And that pirate healer's been. She said to let you sleep. You slept for two days. She said she'd be back to check on you tomorrow."

"Two days?" It didn't seem possible.

"Pretty nasty knock on the head, I reckon. My name's Bundy. Shadow's my mate."

"Pleased to meet you. Excuse me, I'm bursting!" I staggered behind the tree and relieved myself in the first bushed I found. Exhausted by this effort, shivering, I came back and sat by the fire. Bundy pressed a bowl of porridge in my hooves. I licked it cautiously, it tasted sweet and oaty. Suddenly I was ravenous and I lapped it down like I hadn't eaten in days. I guess I hadn't.

"You were a slave, right?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"You've got a brand, and scars from manacles. Seems pretty obvious."

"Yeah."

"Well, we don't have any slaves here. Welcome to the Holy Island of Sanctuary. Welcome to freedom!" I smiled at her, or at least tried to. Despite sleeping for two days I mostly felt tired. My body just couldn't seem to get going. I felt weak, old. Sick. It was hard to raise enthusuasm for anything. Luckily Bundy had enough for two. "See that line of posts up on the hill? That's the border. On the other side they have slavery. On this side we don't. Stay on this side."

"Yeah. The healer said. I'll stay on this side of the fence."

"Good! Don't let anyone talk you across, or entice you, or pick you up and drag you. Scream for help. They have done this before."

"OK. Thanks."

"I'm going to go hunting now. Will you be alright?"

"Yeah, I might go for a walk. Graze."

"Take a basket and bring in any food you find. Everyone shares, everyone contributes. That's the rule."

"I will."

"Good girl! I can tell we're going to be friends!" With that Bundy grabbed her bows and arrows and bounded off into the forest, pausing to smile and wave. She was... bright. She shone in the sunlight, full of life, while I felt half dead.

Perhaps a walk would help. I found a basket and headed off into the forest, away from the border, at a very sedate pace. Even so I had to keep stopping every twenty paces or so and lean on a tree or sit on a log. I was weak. I cropped some sweet tasting grass, chewed on some clover, and munched on a few juicy milk thistles. This island was rich, I began to realise. There was grazing here for herds of deer. This could be a paradise. I found a few mushrooms and dug up a bunch or sweet potatoes. I found some parsley and basil and added them to the basket as well.

I walked back to the camp, still having to stop occasionally and catch my breath, but at least I was walking on my own hooves, grazing for myself. I felt like a whole deer again, however sick. There was nobody at the fire when I got there, it must have been mid-morning. I set the basket down with the other supplies and curled up on a mat beside the fire. The sack dress I wore smelled foul, I realised I had to clean it, and bathe, but I was too tired to move. I closed my eyes, just for ten minutes.

[fawn]

When I woke up it was late afternoon, and people were drifting back to the camp. Lots of unfamiliar faces staring at me, making me feel uncomfortable. To cap it off Shadow cane in carrying a deer carcass over his shoulders, dumped it practically at my feet and began cutting it up. 

"Ewwwww!" I protested, backing off. "You poeple are disgusting!" I turned and ran from the smell of blood.

Bundy's cries pursued me. "It's not a thinking deer! It's feral. We have to eat, you know. Fawn, come back, we're not barbarians!" 

I just kept running. Once a frightened deer starts to run it can be very hard to stop. It was difficult terrain, I had to keep jumping over fallen columns and dodging around tumbled stones. The ruins were more extensive and more recent than I'd thought, the foundations must have covered several acres.
Once it must have been a mighty temple, now it was just broken heaps of stone. Weeds were just beginning to grow up around the marble: they'd only been on the ground for weeks, perhaps a few months.

I darted into a hiding place and stopped, concealed between two stone slabs. I rested there, panting. My legs felt like jelly, I knew they would ache later, but just now, despite my shortness of breath and spinning head, it felt good. I had run so fast! How long had it been since I'd run like that? Who knew! It felt good to run. I was a deer, I was made to run.

I froze, and held my breath. There was a voice nearby, and splashing. Animals taking a bath. It didn't sound too threatening, but you could never be sure. You could never be sure about anything.

I peered through a crack in the stone, and a screen of weeds. A bear was sitting in a pond, bathing himself and singing. Actually it was some kind of bath, cracked stones surrounding steaming water, part of the ruined temple complex. The bear didn't look threatening, he was a kind of honey blonde in colour, and fluffy. He looked more like a toy you'd give to a baby than a half tonne predator. I was still getting used to the  range of colours of the people on the island. The time was to come when a pink wombat or a rainbow hued wolf wouldn't make me blink an eyelid, but in those early days a fluffy, honey-coloured, singing bear could make me wonder if I'd wandered into a dream.

"Hello!" he called, having spotted me. "Come and join me! I'm Sandy."

I poked my head up and regarded him seriously, then stepped closer. He honestly didn't look like much of a threat. "I'm Fawn. What is this place."

"This place? It's the temple. Well what's left of it. At least the bath survived." It was indeed a proper stone bath, set in the ground, fed by a steaming volcanic spring.

"I do need to bathe, and wash my dress. Do you think anyone would mind if I did it here?"

"Mind? Heck no, why should they mind. Here." He tossed me a cake of soap, popping my fingers out from my hooves, I managed to catch it.

"Alright," I pulled my dress off and looked at it. It was just rough undyed cloth, perhaps some kind of sacking material, caked with salt and blood and filth and substances too foul to imagine. It looked like the best thing to do would be to burn it, but then what would I wear? I shoved it into the water and swirled it around till it was completely soaked, pulled it out and attacked it with the soap until it was all white and foamy. Then I shoved it back into the water and squeezed and pummeled it, filling the warm bath with a dirty grey stain. Then I pulled it out again and slapped it vigorously on the rock several times. Then I repeated the process. After a while it seemed cleaner, and several shades lighter, so I hung it over a bush to dry, then hopped into the water to clean myself, watched the whole time by the bathing bear.

"Where are you from?" He asked. 

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't remember. Anything."

"You don't remember anything at all? How did you get here."

"I washed up." I had a sudden flash in my mind. A ship. A terrible terrible ship filled with darkness and screaming. I'd been on the ship. "I-I think I was on a ship. They said I was a slave. I don't know." That silenced him temporarily, at least. I washed the filth out of my fur, being careful around my healing wounds, but longing to feel clean again.  

The bear, Sandy, made a pathetic cub-face at me. "Wash me?" he begged. "Pweeease?" I looked at him. Who could resist a face like that? I went over and scrubbed soap into his fur, then rinsed and kneeded and scrubbed him clean. I don't know if that was what he expected, but he submitted to it meekly enough.
I was about half way through when Bundy showed up. "There you are, Fawn. I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"She's giving me a bath," Sandy said, grinning.

Bundy gave him a look. "Fawn, I just wanted to say sorry. Shadow is a male and sometimes he thinks with his you know what. He should have had a bit more consideration."

I offered her a wet and soapy hug, which she accepted. "I'm sorry too. I don't know what came over me. It was the smell of blood, I just couldn't stop running. I knew you didn't mean any harm, but I was so scared I couldn't stop."

"So you ran here and started giving this guy a bath?"

"Um.... Yeah." It made more sense than anything I could come up with.

Sandy put his paws behind his head and layd back against the stone, his expression smug. "I think the tribe has found a new Temple Maiden," he declared. He wasn't actually a local, or a member of the tribe, he was just a wanderer who showed up now and then to use the facilities. But it turned out he was right about the Temple Maiden thing.

[fawn]

Naurel must have forgotten her promise because she didn't come and see me the next day. Or the one after that. It was many months before I saw her again. Or maybe she was busy: Tibur returned to the island with wounded and prisoners, so her services must have been in demand.

Bundy became my best friend on the island. People warned me about her, she even warned me herself: she was reckless, impulsive, inclined to wild acts. That wasn't what I saw. I loved her for her for the joy she took in life, her brightness, her loveliness.

Shadow, her mate, was much more reserved. He was a trader, people whispered, a smuggler. I couldn't have imagined what he might have smuggled, and I didn't ask. As far as I could see the only forbidden goods here were slaves, and even that only on this side of the fence. Shadow spent a lot of time away, over the border. He didn't talk about his business, and I didn't ask.

I got to know the tribe over the next few weeks. The Ferals, as they styled themselves, were a very loose collection of animals ruled over by a chief, Taliesin, who was sick and never left his hut. The real leader was his mate, the High Priestess Amber, who was kind but distant. She was a satyr, she had hooves and legs like mine, but a body above like that of a human, a fantastic creature of a kind I'd never seen before. She must have been some kind of hybrid. She had startling green eyes and a mane of fiery red hair.

She had a great reputation as a healer, but when she laid her hands on my head she had no more success than Naurel. She was more philosophical about it, however, just smiling and saying "Sometimes these things are the will of the Gods."

She inducted me into the Feral tribe when I timidly requested it. It wasn't a big deal, they were happy to get newcomers. I just had to swear not to betray the tribe or break the laws. That was no hardship for me, since I wasn't planning to do so.  Membership in the tribe was optional, but without it anyone could drag me across the border and declare me a slave. With it, the tribe would defend my freedom, I hoped. Anyway, people seemed pleased with me.

The pirated paid the tribe in food and goods as rent for the land they occupied. They had paid for out new temple and they resented it. At some point in the past the tribe had made a deal with the devil. When you sup with the devil you better have a very long tongue!

[fawn]

Every day I helped the cooks prepare the food. I didn't touch the meat but there were plenty vegetables and greens to be chopped – and lots of offcuts and waste that was yummy to a deer. Some people don't even like to eat tomato leaves or potato peelings, for instance.

Every day we would take hot food and fresh bread to the workers building the new temple. It was an impressive structure, much smaller than the old temple must have been but still a solid stone building dedicated solely to the worship of the God and Goddess. I would never have conceived of such a thing, a stone or a statue in a forest glade was enough for me, and what kind of a god needed a house to live in? But it was the greatest thing the Feral tribe had ever attempted.

Actually the tribe worshipped many Gods. Priestess Amber tried to tell me about them, but I found it too hard to pay attention. The main Gods were the Great Father and the Great Mother, they seemed familiar to me, I felt a special shy affection for her. Both temples, old and new, were mostly dedicated to them, although the entire pantheon was honoured.

Deep in the forest, however, I found a clearing and an old wooden statue, more a vague shape, a pregnant female carved from an old log. Some of the older women of the tribe still left offering there. When I passed by I felt she was smiling at me. I didn't know why. I kept the feeling to myself.

The old temple must have been far greater than the new one, but it was just ruins. The locals said the Gods had knocked it down to punish impiety, but to me it looked like the results of an earthquake, but who am I to say? The new site was on a hill at the northern end of the island. The ground had been levelled and filled, stone foundations laid, now pillars and walls were being raised. Every day stone blocks were being robbed from the ruins of the old temple and hauled across to build the new one. Most of the workers were hired from off the island, but quite a few were enthusiastic tribal volunteers.

My favourite was Aeon. He was a mule, one of the hired workers. He had a big, flat grey face with a long broad snout, and a white blaze down the centre of his muzzle, He had kind of shaggy black hair and mane, and a sweet smile. He was surprisingly shy for such a big male. And strong! I loved to watch him hauling the wooden sleds loaded with marble block, and lifting them into place with rope and pulley. He was so strong.

I tried hauling on the rope, trying to move his sled, and I couldn't budge it. My hooves skidded on the ground and I heaved and strained and grunted, but the stone moved not one inch. Aeon just about ruptured himself with laughter watching me.

Then he took the rope and showed me how it was done. His muscles moved and bulged under his grey hide, he just set himself, heaved, and the stone moved. He could move anything. His strength that made him valuable as a builder.

I used to sit on a block and watch him eat his lunch and we would talk. We soon ran out of my history, and started on his. His family were farmers on the distant mainland, but he'd had the urge to travel. He apprenticed to a builder in a far of city and built warehouses and homes and palaces. When he heard they were hiring to build a temple here he thought it might be fun, so he shipped out. He said it as if it was nothing much, just ordinary. That was Aeon.

[fawn]

Weeks melted into months. Summer faded into Autumn. I was aware there was something wrong about the seasons, but I couldn't have told you what it was, it just felt wrong. The feeling faded as my body recovered, after a few weeks I wasn't sleeping all day I didn't feel tired all the time. Life settled into a routine and the routine felt good. I had a place now, a home, and I belonged.

My nights weren't quite as untroubled.

Darkness. I lay in darkness, unable to move. It hurt, I thrashed, trying to free myself, but I couldn’t. "We're in Hell," a voice whimpered. "We're in Hades. We're in Hell." It was my own voice, I realised.

In a sudden flash like lightening a half naked lemur screamed at me. "Shut up! Shut up!" He swung his machete and my head exploded. He dragged my body to the side and threw it off the ship. I sank down, down down...

"Fawn," a voice whispered in the darkness. "I love you, Fawn. Let me take you home." Darkness. I was standing in the darkness in the forest clearing, full moonlight shining on the pregnant form of the Great Mother, a rough shape carved out of wood. She was smiling at me. "Fawn. I love you..."

I jerked awake in the darkness of the tent. Bundy was asleep, snoring softly. I got up as quietly as I could. The moonlight was bright and clear as I sat by the fire, listening to frogs singing. If I went to the clearing, would the statue be smiling? Would it speak to me? I shivered. It took me a long time to get back to sleep.

*

I took to sleeping during the day, taking little deer naps by the fire as and when I felt like it. I was most active in the morning, and around dusk. One evening I awoke to great excitement in the camp. Everyone was running around, gathering weapons and armour. A small crowd were gathered up on the hill near the border. I walked towards then hesitated, the situation smelled strange, bad. Should I run?

Then I saw Bundy, and I ran over to her, she was in another female's arms, and she was crying.

"Bundy, what's wrong?"

"It's Shadow! They've got Shadow!"

"Who's got Shadow? What's going on?"

Captain Tibur had arrested Shadow. The other female and I tried to argue with Bundy as she went to get her bow and arrow. Jeduh, that was the other female's name, begged her to stay in the camp until she heard from Amber. Bundy agreed, and I knew she was lying.

Jeduh left.

Bundy waited until she was out of sight, then grabbed her weapons and sprinted towards the boarder. "Bundy, wait!"

At the border she stopped. "Fawn, don't follow me."

"Please, Bundy, don't do this. Please."

"I have to."

I got took her paws and fell to my kneed. "No good will come of this. I'm begging you, please. Don't go!"

"Fawn, I don't have time to argue. I have to go."

"Then... Leave your bow and arrows behind."

"What? Are you crazy?"

I had no answer for this, as I'd begun to wonder the same thing. A voice came up from inside me and spoke for me. "Right Action is to refrain from violence and killing."

Bundy just looked at me. The pain in her eyes was like a knife. "I'm sorry, Fawn," she said, then she turned, and vanished into the deepening night beyond the border. I waited there for her as it got dark, full night. The moon rose, hours passed. Finally a dark shape came up the hill from the pirate settlement, but it wasn't Bundy. It was Aeon.

"Aeon!" I collapsed into his arms and he embraced me. "Bundy's gone into pirate country with her weapons, I don't know what she's gone and done. I'm so afraid."

"I'm sorry, Fawn," he said, and he nuzzled my hair with his snout. His big, broad snout, it felt so soft and velvety, just like I'd imagined it would. "Your Amber did everything she could."

"What happened? When is Bundy coming back?"

He sighed and held me tighter, blocking my view of the world with his big, strong body. "She's not coming back," he admitted. "She's dead. Tibur killed them both. They're not coming back."

He held me till I cried myself out, then he took me back to camp and put me to bed.

[fawn]

In the days that followed I fell in with a group of girls called temple maidens. There was Hecuba, and Naina, and Di, oh half a dozen or so in all. They danced in honour of the goddess, naked before her altar. They welcomed guests, served them and gave them baths, I fell into helping them with this, it was fun. In fact they were a fun bunch of girls, they were like pets of the tribe, kept and pampered because they were pretty and fun. Nobody expected the temple girls to do any real work. I liked them. They were so alive. They seemed younger than I was somehow, not in body, but in spirit.

There was an unwritten rule that they might give themselves to a visitor if they wished, but their favours must not be bought or taken. The sacred gift is given freely, or not at all. There were monks as well, some visitors preferred to be welcomed by a male. None of this particularly fussed me because it wasn't my time of year. Those who knew said it would likely be in Fall, but I'd been sick and I didn't know if my body was likely to be ready this year.

Most temple maidens ended up married. There was never any shortage of suitors, they were considered very desirable and blessed with fertility and good fortune.

They were all very excited about the new temple. The whole tribe was, but the maidens especially. It's hard being a temple maiden without a temple. The temple rose apace on it's hilltop. Great kilns burned wood and baked roof tiles. The red tiled roof rose, row by row until it floated above grassland and forest. The second great temple was complete.

[fawn]

The day of the opening had come. Priestess Amber led the people into the new temple. Hymns rang out to the God, and Goddess, and all the other gods and demigods. Baths and fountains spurted and bubbled. Then it was time the feast. We had worked for days preparing food, there was so much meat roasting that the smell of it drove me out onto the platform at the rear of the temple, where the fresh sea air revived me.

This was to be a herb garden, but now it was all trampled earth and builder's waste. I sat on the temple steps and enjoyed the sunlight. The steps were warm and comfortable, and faint sounds of distant revelry drifted down from above.

That's where Aeon found me. He passed me a loaf of bread and a mug of black ale. "I saw you run off and thought you might need something."

"Oh, thank you. You shouldn't have."

He smiled his broad smile. "You've fed me often enough."

"Well, thank you."

I broke the bread, handed him half, and sipped the ale. It was bitter, but not as bitter as thistles or dandelions. It tasted good. We sat and ate and drank in companionable silence for a while.

"I suppose you'll be leaving us soon," I asked.

"Hmm.. What do you say?"

"Your work is over. The temple is finished. I suppose you want to travel on, see the world, isn't that what you said?"

Aeon chewed thoughtfully and sipped his ale. "Mayhap," he said. With a male like Aeon a girl has to read a lot into a few words, or else fill up the silence with her own talk, which is generally the easier approach.

"Well I will miss you if you go. You are a good male, and a good friend."

"Might stay. Least for a while. Get some work."

"Work? What would you do? The temple is finished." It would be many years before the tribe built anything so huge again, if ever.

Aeon just shrugged, unconcerned. "Talk is they want to put up a dojo over on the other side."

"The pirates?"
"Yep. Reckon they'll need builders."

"Aye... Reckon they will." I looked out towards the horizon. If what I'd heard was true the pirates knew everything there was to know about fighting, and killing, and raiding, and slaving and burning. If they'd ever built anything I'd never heard of it. "Would you really go over there? I'd be too afraid."

Aeon shrugged his massive shoulders. "See the world," he drawled, with a faint air of teasing. "Reckon... Might not live over there, just work."

"You could live here! With us!" I beamed at him. The temple wasn't just a holy space, it had baths and a kitchen, and up beneath the tiled roof, dormitories and sleeping rooms. It was a home for the whole tribe. "You built the temple, it's only right that you should live in it."

Aeon hrrumphed, and shook his head mulishly. "I ain't one of the tribe."

"You could be our guest!" I prattled. "You could be my guest!"

[fawn]

"Eh," he grunted "Mayhap." And with that I had to be content. It takes a male like Aeon a long time to make up his mind, and they will not be hurried.

We sat and looked out at the horizon some more. The ale had gone to my head and everything was spinning around pleasantly. Was this the first time I'd ever had ale? Many people here drank it every day, but they'd never warned me how powerful it was, and how nice. I loved the taste of it, I loved the way it sharpened my vision to a warm crystal clarity and made everything glow. I loved how good it made me feel.

I would have gone and gotten more, but I was suddenly too tired to move, and sitting beside Aeon in the sunlight was too nice. I rested my head on his arm.

"You know," I said after a while. "I think I might be starting to remember."

"Eh? That's wonderful, lass. What do you remember?"

"Well, it's not so much actual memories as dreams... But they keep coming back, and they feel like they might be memories."

"What are they about?"

"The Great Mother."

"Yes..." He sounded doubtful.

"Well, I think I was on a ship. A slave ship. I was chained in the hold. That part was horrible."

"Ah well," He put his arm around me. "You are free now."

"Thanks. Well, anyway, I was chained up in the ship and there was sickness on board, and then I died."

"You died?"

"They threw my body overboard, and I sank down under the sea, and I met the Great Mother..."

"Now, look, lass. I don't think that can actually have happened. It sounds like a dream to me."

"No! It wasn't a dream. It felt so real!"

He stroked my hair and spoke gently. "It can't have been real. If you had died then you couldn't be here talking to me, could you?"

"But the Great Mother brought me back to life!" I was almost convinced it had really happened.

"Lass... Fawn, Gods don't come down on clouds and bring people back to life. Dead is dead."

"There wasn't any cloud!" I protested. "It was under water!" I was starting to get angry now, frustrated, and so was he. Why couldn't he just believe me?

He held my shoulders in my hooves, gnarly hoof-fingers extended and gripping my arms, as he tried to set me straight. "Fawn! You had a terrible life as a slave, I get that. If you don't want to remember it then fine: Don't. But don't make things up!"

I leapt to my feet, glaring at him through a stinging mist of tears. "I'm not making anything up! Don't tell me what to do! You have no right!" I pulled away from him and leaped down the steps, my hooves skidding on the stone, and then I was running: It was run or fall, and I was running, running, running like I might never stop.

"Fawn!" His cry might have been from another word, and I ignored it as I plummeted down those steps, leaping from one to another like a mountain goat until I hit the sand at the bottom. I sprinted across the beach, sand and water flew past, sunlight flashing in my eyes. My speed amazed me.

I heard Aeon pounding after me, but he was a big, slow mule and I was a frightened, angry, exhilarated deer and there was no way he would ever catch me. I left him far behind. Eventually I stopped and fell to my knees facing the sea. I had come from somewhere out there. Why couldn’t I remember?

Gradually my breathing eased, and I thought nothing at all, just kneeling on the beach, just existing. Right Mindfulness is to exist in the moment, to be gently and compassionately aware of all things inside and outside ourself, a voice seemed to say, but who's voice was it?

Time passed. I was aware of Aeon approaching, plodding across the sand, and I felt bad for him. I'd really led him quite a race.

"Hades, lass," he panted. "Hades. You flew! You're faster than you look."

I turned and smiled at him sadly. "I'm a deer," I murmured. "I was born to run."

"Aye, I can see that." He flopped down beside me, spent. "I'm sorry, lass, I shouldn't have said what I did. I had no right."

I sighed and shook my head, turning to look back out to sea. Was the answer our there, somewhere? "No, you were right," I admitted. "I'm sorry. I don't even know if they are memories, or just dreams. I want to know so badly, but I'm just not sure."

"Aw lass, don't beat yourself up."

"Why can't I remember? I don't know who I am. I want to know what happened to me!"

Still breathing hard, Aeon took hold of my shoulders again, but more gently, putting his arms around me. "I know who you are. You're Fawn. You're my sweet Fawn." Then he kissed me.

You could have knocked me down with a feather. When he finally broke off my fur was standing end all over my body. I pulled back from his embracy. "But, but, i-it's not that time of year!" I stammered.

Aeon smiled his broad, slightly lopsided smile. "Aye, lass," he said, "But it's not that far off, is it?"

With a shock I realised that someone had been counting the days more closely than I had!

[fawn]

The temple maidens loved to dance in the nude before her altar, because they said the Great Mother liked nothing better than to see her children sing and dance. I was too shy to join in, but I watched them carefully, and tried to learn some of the steps. I thought it was something I could learn to do, I just needed somewhere private to practice. The logical place was the Great Mother's clearing in the forest. Hardly anyone ever went there.

It was a bright clear morning and I'd gathered a basket of mushrooms which I set down in the shade of one of the trees. The Great Mother's idol seemed to be smiling even more than usual as I stripped off my sack dress and laid it next to the basked. "Well, here goes nothing," I muttered.

Actually the dancing came a little easier than I expected, the leaps and twirls are natural for a deer, and sharp hooves make it easier to keep your balance on landing, at least on the soft earth. I'll never be a great dancer, though, my body just isn't the right shape: things tend to flop. After a few minutes I stopped, panting, and rubbed my breasts which were getting sore. I fashioned a rough binding for the m from the cloth basket cover, but I obviously needed something better.

But perhaps I could now try putting the moves together and doing a bit of a dance? And singing, well, as I moved, slowly going through the steps, putting them together, a song came to me, so I sang it:

You love my love my spots,
my lovely fawny spots
on the back and on the front
you love my love my spots!

You love my fawny spots,
on the back and on the front
my lovely lovely spots
You'd love to touch my spots!

You'd love to touch my spots
my lovely fawny spots
on the back and on the front
but it's not that time of year!

Have you ever been alone and suddenly got the feeling you're being watched? I turned and standing at the edge of the clearing was a white male jungle cat, actually I could see he had lovely spots too, he was a snow leopard, a sneppie.

"Um, hello," I said, blushing. "I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone was here. I'm Fawn."

"Don't stop," he said, "You're a great dancer. I'm Glassere. I'm new here."

I looked down and scuffed my hooves. "I'm just learning," I admitted. "I'm not very good. I'm too short and um, well built."

"You move well, and your singing is great."

I risked a peek up at him, and he was smiling, seemingly genuinely interested. A male interested in dancing? Obviously it must be a dream. "Thanks."

"Are you a Temple Maiden?" he asked. "Was it an offering?" He nodded and made a gesture of reverence in the direction of the Mother. She just smiled on benignly.

"Um, no, not really. I just like to help out. I don't think I'm, um, beautiful enough."

He giggled.

"I'm serious!" I protested. "They're all young and beautiful and free and slim and they sing and dance and and....Do stuff! I don't think I could ever be like that. What do you think?"

He shrugged. "Maybe you should ask her?" he said, nodding again to the idol.

"Yeah, maybe," I muttered, terminally embarrassed now that I'd said all this stuff, and to a male. I changed the subject. "I haven't seen you around before, are you new?"

"Yeah, I just got here. I'm trying to find my way home."

"Where's your home?"

"A little village on the mainland. I'm a fisherman. I got blown out to sea in a storm."

"And wound up here?"

"Eventually, first I got taken as a slave." He held up these bracelet things around his wrists, and gestured to the collar around his neck. I'd taken them as jewellery.

"A slave?" I stepped closer and grabbed his shoulders. "Where? Was I there? Am I familiar to you? Do you remember me?"

He smirked at me and stepped back. "No, I don't think so. I'd remember you. Trust me, I would. There was no-one like you there."
I stepped back, blushing and muttering apologies, looking down. He must have thought I was coming on to him. Dancing naked, singing that ridiculous song, and then throwing myself on him: whatever must he think of me? "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... I'm sorry. Forgive me. I was a slave and I just so much want to remember. I thought you might have known me."

"You want to remember being a slave? Can't you remember anything?"

"Nothing. I know my name and that's really all. The only way I know I was a slave was because of these. I showed him the healed scars around my wrists and neck, and the brand on my arm. He tutted sympathetically.

"Oh that's cruel, that's terrible. Maybe it's best you don't remember?"

"Maybe," I muttered sadly. But my heart wasn't in it. Why couldn't I remember?

"At least you're free now. We're both free. Let's stay that way."

"I certainly intend to stay that way. Stay away from the pirates on the other side of the island: they'd catch you and sell you in a red hot minute. Why don't you take your collar off?"

"They're locked," he admitted with a grimace, tugging on it to shop me. "With magic. They can't be cut off: They're made from adamantium."

I looked at them more closely. This elegant filigree slave jewellery was made of metal worth more than everything on the whole island, metal that could never be taken off. His owners would never stop looking for him, never stop hunting, he was worth the price of a small kingdom. Pirates or slavers, I knew, would just his head and paws off just to get the metal, although what good locked slave collars would do anyone was debatable. Better still to take and sell sneppie and collar and cuffs as one piece. He was worth an unimaginable amount of gold.

"Goddess, be careful," I murmured. "Can't you cover them up or something? There are people who would kill to get hold of you."

"I know," he muttered. "Believe me, I know." There didn't seem to be anything more to say on the subject. "Can I see you back to the temple?" he offered.

"Sure!" I smiled at him. "Just let me put my clothes back on."

"If you insist!"

I thought I had made a new friend, but it was not to be. A few days later I heard he'd been abducted by the pirates and shipped out to be sold back into slavery. They said he... Actually it doesn't matter, nobody with any sense believed what they said, but he wasn't a tribes-member and nothing could be done. I thought I would never see him again.