Yuna Fu Sheng's Journal

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

<This is Princess Yuna's journal. It is very ornate-looking, with a very expensive binding...basically, just the tome alone is probably worth a lot. It is accessible to anyone who has access to Yuna's private quarters.>
<Should one read the tome, one would notice a lot of effort is put into her handwriting. The penmanship is very elegant, and in the Carolingian minuscule script standard.>



~~~ Entry 1, Day 330 -- Year 4, of the 4th Age.

Journals here, journals there... all the fancy people are doing this so I figure I might give it a shot as well. I do not expect to have a lot to write about all the time but if nothing else, writing a journal should aid in honing my penmanship.

My name is Yuna Fu Sheng. I am the daughter of Emperor Xahu Fu Sheng and Empress Ewyllyn Fu Sheng. I am one month shy of my fifth birthday as I write this. I feel I should elaborate on how a girl one month shy of five years old could possibly hope to even consider writing a verbose journal the likes of which would rival even a european monastery monk, for it is surely an unusual occurrence. Put in simple terms, I am no ordinary girl. Moreover, Lismore is no ordinary place.
Though in this world I have only existed for five short years, I have grown extremely fast. I have had the first signs of puberty strike me already with the conviction of a paladin striking a demon, and by my calculations I am physically at the point a twelve or thirteen year-old girl would be in my growth, at least in the old world where these abnormalities are not as common.
And yet in these five short years, I am already able to write with near perfection and phrase myself like an educated adult. I know things about the world that no ordinary girl my age should even be able to comprehend. I practice and experiment with magic. It is all thanks to my superior intellect which has enabled me to cope so well with such rapid growth.
I absorb knowledge like dry ground absorbs water. I had already learned how to read and write by the age of two, and I all but tore through the library books ever since. It is thanks to this unquenchable thirst for knowledge that I function at the level that I do today. I think that if my parents weren't as supportive of me as they have been in enabling me to indulge in the world of literature, I would still hide away inside the palace scared of the world around me.

A wise old man once said that our conception of the world defines our mind, and that only through understanding will we shed fear and embrace the unknown. I still remember the day I first understood what that meant. On that very same day I took my first step outside the palace doors, I embraced the unknown expanse of our empire and I have since then been outside as often as I could. At least with my entourage of guards. I am not allowed to leave the palace unattended; I never was, and I probably never will.

I have digressed. In some miraculous way, I have in five years managed to keep up with my body's physical growth. I intend to keep it this way. Perhaps it is easier for me because of what happened to me in my mother's womb.
My mother was captured by demons shortly after my father had planted me and my brother in her womb, and she was corrupted by demon taints and other influences. Somehow it affected me and not my brother. I look much like a foxramau as a result. Father claims that somehow my body must have absorbed some taints from the demon blood that my mother was made to drink and, as it transformed my developing body, perhaps the rapid growth rate settled within me in a way that my brother Valric was spared from.
In a way I suppose that makes me an unwilling martyr. But then again I see no problem with that. If I have to lose my childhood so that Valric may have his, then so be it. He is the heir anyway and I am just the spare. If nothing bad happens, when Father's time is done then Valric will take the throne and inherit all of Father's responsibilities. He might then never again get another chance to play or be childish.

I should mention that I did recently challenge my parents' description of the events that happened to Mother while she was in the demons' hold. I trust that Father would not lie to me about it although some parts of the story make little sense. Honestly it is a very troubling subject for me too. I am too smart for the people in Lismore. Far more intelligent in fact, than most seem to realize. I see the looks I often get from the citizens when I wander the streets. Angry looks, pitiful looks, confused looks and otherwise. They see me as a foxramau offspring, I can tell. A glorified demon. Yet I am no demon.
It makes me uncomfortable to know that I could be viewed as one of those monsters, and I have nightmares that perhaps I am a bastard child of theirs. That somehow I am not really the person I think I am, and that I am really a dirty child of a foxramau demon. On the other hand I have to ask if knowing the truth would matter at all. Perhaps I do not want to know. Perhaps Father is indeed being truthful with me. Perhaps he is not, and is sparing me gruesome details that even my advanced mind would struggle to understand?

If I am a bastard then I think I want to know. It may change everything, or it may change nothing. Knowing for sure however, would in itself be a great relief. And at the end of the day, my father is Xahu and my mother is Ewyllyn. I could be a baby discovered in a garbage crate for all it would matter, my parents are not defined by who sired and gave birth to me. In my eyes, they are defined by who raised me.
I love my mother and father. I love my brother. That would not change even if I were a bastard.


Speaking of love, I have a crush on someone! Confusingly, not a single someone but two someones. And they are both training to become my personal guards! I am really happy about that but I am also very confused. Is it okay for me to like them both in that way? I am the princess after all, but I would hate to have to choose between them. I am pretty sure they are crushing on me too, but would they accept that I would want them both to be with me?

I have learned through my studies that it is not uncommon for royalty to build what is called a 'harem' of males or females to mingle with. Given the liberal sexual history of my family, I suppose it might be expected of me to build a harem of my own when I grow up. But I do not think I like the thought of harems. They sound so impersonal...
I would rather call them husbands than harem workers. I am still very young so I have a lot of time to think it over. I promised Father that I would not engage in something intimate until I was an adult and I intend to keep that promise. My biggest concern now though, is how I am going to tell River and Sai that I want to be with both of them, if the subject should be brought up or one of them confesses their love for me.
Until then though, I shall settle for observing and fantasizing from afar. It is a strange feeling, being infatuated with someone.


My own private bedroom is being prepared too as I write this. I decided that I wanted pink marble for the walls. There, I said it! Or at least wrote it. I like pink. The room will contain my bed of course, lots of books and shelves, alchemy equipment and enchanting equipment! I think I may also have inadvertently committed myself to getting and caring for a pony. I kind of hope not, I am not terribly fond of equines. Their long faces make me fiercely nervous.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 2, Day 336 -- Year 4, of the 4th Age.

Sometimes I wonder if the freedoms we offer in this great city stretch a little too far. Specifically the freedoms we have in the things we can say and who we can criticize for what actions. Frustratingly, today I was lectured by a commoner--Lira, for taking the steps necessary to protect myself after a most vicious assault on my person! Or rather, what seemed like a most vicious assault at the time. But I will come back to that later in the entry.

Today has been a horrible day in nearly every way. It is only partially mitigated by the comforting presence of River and--to some degree Forest. The day started out promising enough. On a whim I went to visit the bathhouse which happened to be quite populated: Amon, Miriamella, Athian, Relina and Ryu were all there enjoying their baths. I watched them for a little while until Forest appeared and blew my cover, and a friendly chat ensued. We were soon joined by River after Ryu had gone home or something-- I was somewhat preoccupied and unable to absorb all the details of my environment. I kept being invited down into the water to bathe but I have some reservations against joining a bunch of naked men and women in a bathtub. It simply felt wrong to me so I politely refused, blaming it on my claws and that I was expecting a manicure.
Of course it did not stop me from getting soaked; Relina did something to the water and I was struck by a wave shot up from its surface. Soaked and frustrated, I exacted my revenge by dropping a big ice cube into their bathwater and then stomped away. Amon wanted to talk to me but I think he figured I was not in a very approachable mood then.

River and Forest both had to go shortly after and I was left to my own devices until Amon turned up in front of my bedroom door, and in his bathrobe no less! I am surprised that the guards even let him pass to begin with but somehow I suspect they shall not be letting him inside to talk to me again. He insisted I did not tell my parents what he told me but I made a point out of making no promises. To be entirely truthful, I will tell Father about Amon's visit and his chat with me. It was greatly upsetting and ruined my mood for pretty much the rest of the day.
In my first journal entry I detail my skepticism of Father's explanations as to how I came to look like a foxramau, but I think I would rather believe that than the diarrhea of the mouth that Amon served me. He implied that Mother had been forced to have me by Edhel Valentine, the patriarch of the Valentine family at the time of their abnormally short reign. The thought upsets me beyond belief. I suspect that I am a bastard but I will not be Edhel's bastard. Nor do I want anything to do with that family, and yet Amon insists that we are related by blood. I refuse to believe it, and I have informed the guards that I will not see him again if he wishes to talk to me in the palace. But even in my denial I cannot help but wonder if it is true. The terrible thought has formed in my mind and I cannot shake it.

At least my room is ready now so I can find solace in the brand new pink walls. I really do like pink. It is a soothing colour to me, one that is helping to elevate my spirits now that I am so stressed out.

Later events did not help at all. I encountered Solrin again, a fennec slave-turned-whore whose new workplace in Lismore is the Phoenix brothel located in the underground tunnels beneath our great city. It was initially a welcome meeting. I must admit that for all my perceived and practiced prudishness, I am fascinated by his chosen profession. I tried to dig a little bit and learn more about what he does with it, but with nothing to show for it. I did learn however that he is an excellent swordsman so I pit him against River for a spar. It was entertaining. River's skill with the sword impressed me. Although he technically lost the spar in the end, he managed to stay toe-to-toe with Solrin for quite some time. He will be a fine guard for me.
Of course Nazatuur arrived at the tail end of the fight and freaked a little out, and I do not know when Lira came into the picture. Athian and Mr. Fletcher had already arrived by then though, and I had greeted them although I do not think that Athian heard me. He left shortly after. I had wanted to show him my new adornments but that will have to wait for another time.

And then trouble began. I happened to let slip that we have a fennec slave named Ahmaro in the palace, and Solrin acted as though his mind had been lost! He grabbed me tightly and refused to let me go, asking me about Ahmaro. I was on the verge of panic and it was thanks to River, Forest & Mr. Fletcher's fast reactions that it did not go horribly wrong. That was scary though. I have never been grabbed like that before, and I hope I will never again. I was so scared I acted completely irrationally, and then I became so angry that all I wanted to do was see poor Solrin thrown in the dungeon to rot there for eternity. I'm grateful that River was there to calm me down, but Lira only tried to worsen my mood.
Lira instantly compared me to the Valentines and started lecturing me right there and then, as if I had committed some sort of crime for freaking out and reacting how I've been trained to react in dangerous situations: securing myself against danger. The Valentines are a sensitive subject to me since Amon's visit and I do not appreciate being compared to them. She could not have picked a worse time to make that comparison; my confidence is completely shot. I cried for an hour after I went back home again.
More frustratingly, she seems to think I was wrong for taking measures to defend myself, that I was the criminal! I tried to explain to her, albeit in my fit of rage, that I am the princess and that far worse fates would have befallen Solrin had my usual guards been there. That I am protected and not to be touched in such a way. Had my father been there to see it, I suspect he would have had Solrin killed on the spot!
It feels like this Lira person--River's sister no less, wants me to get harmed. And after being compared to the Valentines, I fear that that is how it is. She wants me to hurt because I look like a foxramau. She may as well have told it to my face for all the good her evasion did. I made it clear to her that I will not suffer her 'opinions' anymore unless they are requested. I do not need tactless idiots to second-guess me when I am protecting myself against potential harm. I shall ask Father to instruct my guards to place her under arrest if she does it again. I hope he will agree to that. Honestly it is not because I do not want to hear what Lira has to say, nor do I wish to muzzle her. But when she all but openly supports the idea that I could be harmed the way she did, I have to draw the line. And if Lira thinks that she can win a battle against me on that particular subject matter, she has got another thing coming for her.

On the other hand, she is River's sister. I do not wish to alienate River for the sake of some petty revenge plot for this one or any future transgerssions. More importantly, I want to kill the idea that I am like the Valentines, and I want to do that as quickly as possible. There are several reasons for this, the most prominent of which being that Lira does not know me, and that drawing such conclusions about me out of one isolated incident where I, a child of all things, was scared out of my hide to the point where I was "this" close to summoning the entire city guard to help me, is a terrible idea. It is slander! And I am sure that after today, she will tell the story of how I am like the Valentines to everyone in her social circle. I already get looks from people, I do not need that kind of publicity.

I finally understand why Mother spends so much time indoors hidden away from people. I am her daughter. I dread to think the grief she has to endure because of my appearance. The speculations and rumours.


I think that perhaps I should just stay inside as well. I do not want to go outside anymore; that experience has robbed me of all joy in interacting with the people. It is safest for me indoors so that noone can make up more rumours to slander me with.

I hope Solrin will take me up on that dinner invitation though, so at least I can mend the situation with him.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 3, Day 357 -- Year 4, of the 4th Age.

This month has been tumultuous to say the least. I do not know what is happening to me but it is making me emotional, quick to anger and very easily offended. I have asked Mother about it but she simply told me it is part of becoming a woman. I have my reservations. Bleeding every month, chest aches from growing my breasts & aches all over the rest of my body are but few of the symptoms of my blossoming. It is very uncomfortable.

Lately I have been asking myself what I am. Something is missing in my life and it was not until recently that I was able to learn exactly what it was. Unfortunately it raises yet a number of new questions that still go unanswered.
I have half a soul. That is what I have been feeling has been missing! When I was still in my mother's womb, an archangel came to cleanse me and it destroyed half of my soul. I should not even be alive, and yet somehow I survived. Was I truly such a monster in my mother's womb that it took destroying half of me to fix it?
I do not know whether to be ashamed of it, or glad that I did not turn out any worse than I am. Worst of it all, I do not want to tell my parents that I know. Is it because I am scared, or am I ready to let it go?

Everyone tells me that it does not matter what I am because who I am right now is a good person. And yet "who" is but the definition of "what", and what I am is a being unknown to even myself. I am not a lion, I am not a... whatever Father is. I am not a foxramau. This matters to me, no matter what other people say. But all I get when I try to ask is lies or evasion. I am starting to think that maybe I should just count my losses and go on living like this. I am half a person but I guess I have lived for this long. I can carry on.

Athian visited us earlier and he began attacking our pantry. I do not know whatever that poor thing ever did to him, but he dented it quite visibly. We had an alright chat though. I agreed to let him watch me practice my magic some day.

I bought Forest some new clothes the other day since I cannot have him in rags when he is around me. It makes me look bad. He took a real shine to them and I wonder if he has taken them off ever since. I need to train him to wash properly, every day. He stinks. He also needs to learn how to speak, but the progress is minimal at best. I have been trying to teach him some basic sounds but he seems incapable of learning them.
River gave me a necklace! A beautiful ruby gem that he found and cut himself, & fashioned into jewellery for me. I love it to bits and I am never going to take it off! He is so sweet to me.
I have not seen Sai around for a few days. I hope he is alright.


I should mention that Radem has put up a ward at the stables now to keep the demons out, and he has put this horrible fox statue there that just terrifies and nauseates me. I do not wish to condemn his craftsmanship so easily but that is really horrible. I do not even want to go near it. I hope they can find someone else to help maintain the place now. I will not.
With that newly freed up time, I have dedicated myself to learning how to summon Eidolons. Unfortunately I am missing key components before I can even begin to try. I must figure out how to acquire them, but even before then I need to know what they are. I am venturing into an area of forbidden magic so I must tread with caution. The Eidolons are demi-gods after all; one mishap and I could be responsible for extensive damage to the city and its citizens.

But I must overcome this challenge. I do not know why, but I feel I must.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 4, Day 9, year 5 of the 4th Age.

So I've finally learned the truth behind my origins. It took me a long time of trying to coax it out of Dad, and in the process I went down a few roads I probably shouldn't even have gone down to begin with. Such as soul magic and summonings, those kind of things. And now that I know the truth, I'm not entirely sure if I wanted to know it in the first place; I will admit that even to me, it's very jarring. Even more jarring is that I am not allowed to speak of it to anyone. Not even my friends. So I record it in my journal in hopes that some day I'll be able to look back on this and maybe understand things even better.

I am a rapechild. I wasn't ever meant to exist, nor was the way I was conceived meant to happen. While Mom was in the demons' grasp way back then, the demons did unspeakable things to her and they raped her repeatedly. Valric had already been planted but Mom is a lion so she could mother children of multiple fathers at the same time. This of course means that I'm not really Xahu's daughter. Not by blood, even though this revelation will not affect how I view him. He is my Dad as far as I'm concerned. My real dad.
But it raises several more questions that I'm now afraid I'll never be able to  learn the answer to. Daddy was very clear on the matter: do not speak of this to anyone. And if Mom ever found out that I know...I dread to think what would happen.

I will still continue to learn how to summon Eidolons but I will do so in more controlled environments, and under proper tutelage. At least I will as soon as Dad allows me to again. I think I've run out of free passes. My next offence will probably have severe repercussions.


I'm still growing at an alarmingly fast rate. In fact, I'm starting to feel awkward being surrounded by River, Sai & Forest because they're still kids and I'm blossoming into a woman. I'm growing boobs, I'm getting taller, I'm just growing! And they're way behind me!  So I finally took the plunge & asked River to join me. Well, not even asked... I feel bad doing so, but I played with his feelings to try and convince him to use alchemy to join me in adulthood. I just don't want to be alone, and I can't be seen hanging out with a bunch of young boys when I'm all adult-like; people will get the wrong idea!

Now I just need to convince Sai...


I hope things will calm around in the palace soon. I somehow feel calmer too, knowing the truth of my origins. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And I'm still going to try and fix my broken soul.
But my life hasn't been terrible. Dad has been my father even though I'm not his child by blood. He could have thrown me away or ignored me, but he didn't! In a way, he is my hero and saviour. He's my dad, and I love him. And I love Valric, and I love my Mom. I have an amazing life, with amazing people...and I am just starting to realize that.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 5, day 12, Year 5, 4th Age.

I've been having some weird dreams these past few nights. I don't remember all the details but I do remember I didn't really like them. There are some minor variations between the dreams but they all end in the same way: I kill everything in the sky realms and conquer it for myself.
I'm trying not to view myself as a monster now that I know the truth behind my origins, but I don't think my dreams have quite caught up with that yet. Or perhaps deep down, I am worried that there is a demon just waiting to come out? But that part of my soul is long gone now. I know it's stupid.

I've had more time to think about the situation with my soul now. I don't think I want it repaired after all. I've managed to live and be me with my halfsoul so far, why wouldn't I be able to carry on without being whole? I'm the princess so I'm supposed to be strong! I'll see myself through this without changing myself. For if I make my soul whole, then will I change? Or worse yet, will it make me a demon after all?
I don't like any of the answers I come up with that. I'm just settling for that I don't want to know. I will be leaving this subject alone for a while.


I'm starting to have those cramps again, so I think I'm going to stay inside and not go out until it passes. The blood seemed to be drawing a lot of unwanted attention last time, people were smelling it on me and it was embarrassing! I haven't gone into heats yet though! Or maybe I have, but not realized. Either way, I'm not restless or thinking about sex all the time, nor am I rubbing myself against anything rub-able like Mom warned me I might be tempted to do.
I did another take on the math I did for my growth rate. I had another spurt today and noticed I'd grown several centimeters, so I accounted for that burst and did a bit of number-crunching, and I've concluded that my initial assessment of when my body will reach adulthood was mistaken. It will not be in a couple of months' time; it'll be in a few weeks! Two or three to be precise.
I'm looking forward to it now. It'll mean the end of my growing pains & I can finally start doing grown-up stuff. I'm sure Dad's still going to give me rules for it though. I can hardly blame him; the Vances Djoser and Hatshepsut, both of whom are currently in jail, both seem to have done what they did because they're just children in adult bodies, kind-of like I'm going to be. But unlike me, they don't seem to have an understanding of action and consequence yet. I don't think they even realized the harm they were causing.

And that's ultimately how I'm going to be for the first few years as an adult: a child in a grown-up body. A smart child more mature than any other child in mind, but still a child. I'm going to have to rely on Mom & Dad's counsel even more than usual.

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 6, Day 49, Year 5, 4th Age.

River, Forest & Sai are all adult now just like me! They all went through with the potion matter, although I'm worried it got River into some serious trouble with his dad & sister. I hope he's alright, I haven't seen him for a while now. I did finally invite Forest into my harem though! He'll get to live with me, even if it's... work. And yes, I'm making a harem for myself. Not that we've initiated each other in it yet though. It's one of those things I've been wanting to try now, and finally when I'm allowed then it turns out the boys aren't that receptive. In River's defence, he was having a rough time but Forest just didn't get it. I haven't told Sai yet.

I went to visit the Vances the other day. I know I'm not allowed to, but I figure if it's from their blood that I'm made then I should get to know them at least a little. I walked out from there with a sense of sympathy for them. They're really not as bad as they're being made out to be, and Mrs. Vance even gave me some advice on how I might help my mother get better. And now I'm kind-of waiting for something to happen.
The past month has been pretty dull.

At least I got some money out of visiting the Vances, something that's off the records. I'm going to spend it on things I normally wouldn't be allowed money for! Just because!
It's fun breaking rules every now and again!

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 7, Day 206, Year 5, 4th Age.

Who'd have thought life could be such a challenging and oftentimes dangerous endeavour? I certainly wouldn't. I've encountered moments in my life by now where I wished I hadn't grown up so fast because the more I'm learning about the world of adults, the more I realize just how unprepared I am for it. I'll admit it, I've made my fair share of mistakes already. I've been reckless, immature and irresponsible, and I've been rather vicious from time to time. And now I carry the consequence of my immature recklessness inside me.

I'm pregnant. When I was first told, I didn't really believe it. In fact, I started to clamour for abortion; I was terrified of the thought of having something alive growing inside of me, & I must admit that I still am. I caused more than a little drama over it too, and I'm worried I might have given Ewan a very bad impression of me but what's done is done. I can only work to remedy it if this has damaged our relationship at all. He has promised he'll step up though, and that he'll help me raise the child if I have it. And I've decided I want to have it after all.
I can already feel the bulge forming in my lower abdomen. It's weird and strangely satisfying. I don't think my father approved much of this decision at all.

In any case, I hope we will be able to arrange a wedding soon. I don't want the child to be born a bastard.


Interestingly enough, this has all slightly altered my perspective on life. I've come to realize that I've quite frankly been a bitch & I'll be working to correct that. I can't live a life like my grandmother's, I don't believe in martyrdom. But I can endeavour to become more selfless and helpful to society than I've been; so far, I've simply expected society to give to me but it is time I gave something back. I just need to figure out how I can help.
Meanwhile, I am also concerned about several other facets of my life. Such as my boys; River, Sai & Forest. I'm responsible for their becoming adult in the first place, but I feel like this is going to drive a wedge between us. I haven't seen River in a long time & I fear our friendship may be over after all this. It shows that Ewan has become my favourite, everyone have noticed. Ewan is also the one I expect I'll be wed to in the end. But I don't want to just throw away the other boys either. I love them all very deeply, not just as friends but as beloved partners in romance. The thing is though... I've come to love Ewan just a tiny bit more.
It's not as though we'll have to be exclusive since Ewan seems quite comfortable sharing with them. I just don't want them to be jealous.

Moreover, I'm concerned about my own sexual development. I have a nigh insatiable libido! It's ridiculous! I had both Sai and Leo last night, and I think Leo might have been a virgin but he did a pretty damn good job for a first time. The thing is, even though they took turns with me -- and despite my being high on catnip, which I've resorted I must be careful with, I just didn't feel entirely satisfied, I just wanted more.
I had a lot of fun with them but when I woke up this morning with their smells permeating the air, I felt dirty. Not the good kind of dirty, but I genuinely felt like a cheap whore. I want to regret it, but I can't deny how much I loved having them. It just makes me feel like a whore, and that's not a good feeling. Even as I write this journal entry I find that I must work hard to keep my free hand away from betwixt my thighs. Is this the hormones from my pregnancy that causes it, is it my species...or is it something else?
Either way, my sexuality is awakening for real now & it is a beast I fear I'll have trouble controlling.
I very strongly consider becoming monogamous, so to not feed this beast too much.

I was poisoned too, I should add. Sometime before I knew I was pregnant, in fact. The poisoner, a ferret named Nicky, was arrested and punished for it, & I obviously survived the poison, and now Nicky is my servant until we decide she has paid back her due to society. I don't think the ferret is very smart though, she kept insisting at first that she 'only used a little poison', but poison is poison no matter the amount. Or venom, is probably the more appropriate term for it. Security around her is super tight so I expect we'll have no trouble with her.


My responsibilities grow with every day. My knowledge however, does not. My learning was throttled because I advanced it too fast, but now none of the supposed instructors who were supposed to help me learn are showing up. I can understand that Zeela doesn't because I did give her the business when she tried the first time. But she deserved it, and I still don't trust her; she's overqualified for teaching & her skillsets are unrealistic for her age. Not even I would be able to master all that she can teach enough to teach it myself, not for another thirty or forty years. I remain convinced that she's lying to get close to me but for what reason, I cannot tell. Dad says it's punishment that I have to listen to her. I don't know what he's thinking. All I know is that I hope Zeela never shows up to continue our tutoring; I don't want to be around her when I don't know her motivations.


It is hard to have to adjust my mind to how things work now. I need to learn to be more careful with how I act or behave myself. People will excuse my inexperience to a point, knowing I grew up fast. But after then... I dread to think what trouble I could cause by being reckless.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 8, Day 346, Year 5, 4th Age

I love being pregnant, and I hate it. I cannot understand why my feelings contradict each other in such a fashion, but that is what I am dealing with now. My body is all swollen and I have been able to keep up with even Athian in my eating habits lately. I feel fat and unattractive, and yet I see in the corners of my vision that more people than I am used to give me glances. Not the inquisitive kind of glance either, but the kind of which speaks volumes of lust.
That is yet another contradiction that I loathe about myself. I feel so fat and unattractive, but I am told I am not. I know I am not, for why then would people continue to stare at me?

My body aches too. My back hurts if I stay upright for too long, and my ankles complain as well. I can no longer bend down to pick things up from the floor, nor can I pick myself up if I sit down in something that is too low or if, God forbid, I fall. I am used to doing everything on my own, having to ask for help all the time is just embarrassing. Ewan is good to me though. He is patient and helpful, and I think I would have perished were he not there to aid me through the day. I have my other friends too but since I have been disbanding my harem, they have been finding other hobbies or their own. I cannot blame them; we were friends for almost our whole lives so far, then I pick someone they did not even know to be my husband.
Not even picked, really. I suspect that even if Ewan had not become so precious to me, Father would still have made him my husband. He does not want this child to be a bastard. But I hope that the child will truly be Ewan's, for Sai raised a good point: if the child is not his, then it is still a bastard. Just like how I am a bastard, even if my mother and father both reject that truth.
Athian suggested that if I went into labour right this moment, Father would make Emir perform the rites then and there over my birthing body. More disconcerting is that I believe he would.

The Spring festival has been happening these past couple of weeks and I have actually found myself enjoying it -- even if the majority of my time has been pooled into devouring the contents of the banquet table. My father and Athian have really pulled out all the stops, and everyone has been having a great time. I notice a distinct absence of demons in the celebration, but I cannot tell if that is a good or bad thing. Perhaps they are scheming; perhaps they are hiding; perhaps they simply did not want to participate?
It makes me a little sad. My sympathy for them continues to grow as I begin to understand their situation better. Yet I still despise their presence, unable to forgive what they enabled my mother to suffer through even if I would not be here today, had they not. I wonder what has become of Kleopatra. I should visit her again some day.

Speaking of demons, I have not seen Valencia or Cecilia in a while. I hear my cousin has been finding some trouble around town lately, but we have not met again since that time in the ballroom. Valencia on the other hand, appears to have gone dark. I only occasionally see one of her underlings roam about the city. I observed in one particular instance one of their collies, who was bullying some children. Luckily the other adults in the area seemed to drive her off. I wonder, what is her problem?
There is also that large nude wolf with wings, but she seems unremarkable other than her very strange appearance. Valencia surrounds herself with strange creatures.

My wedding dress has been a subject of debate for the past couple of days now, but I have finally settled on what I want with the tailors. They will make me a beautiful dress that will fit around my pregnant belly. It will be plum-coloured, and it is going to be very fancy! Plum is a pretty colour. I would have preferred white, but I can see that the symbolism would not be entirely good. White symbolizes purity, but I am not pure any more. My belly betrays it. It does not make sense to me to use white for my dress.
The alternative would be to use a very revealing attire, but I feel it will not look good on my pregnant body. Perhaps that attire will become my usual garments when I have given birth to this baby. And thanks to Mishra, I now look forward to the birth. I will not feel pain, and he will help me deliver it safe and sound using a technique apparently invented by the Romans. It involves cutting into my womb and extracting the child from there, which will help spare me of certain damages. I am not that comfortable with the thought of being cut into, but Mishra has a powerful healing ability that will make me alright again when he is done.

When this is over with, perhaps he will teach it to me?


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 9, Day 364, Year 5, 4th Age

Today is the day! Today s the day I will get married, and I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. I've naturally been a little bit stressed having to make sure tthat everything is just right. This is going to be my big day after all so I have to keep checking on everyone so no detail is left out. The invitations have been sent out to the guests and I have been assured that all the food and banquets have been taken care of. The tailors have even managed to finish my wedding dress just in time! It is a lovely plum coloured dress with more than enough room for my belly. I can barely wait to see Ewan's reaction to it. He will love it, I'm sure.

It is about time too. I have started doing what I've read is called "nesting". I have spent my spare time making sure that everything is squeaky clean, because all of a sudden the palace seems so dirty to me. I have no idea what that is all about, but apparently it means that it will not be long until the baby arrives. I think I am going to go with Ewan's name suggestions. If it is a girl then we can name her Fianna like he suggested, and Patrick if it is a boy.

I am so nervous, I haven't been able to write my vows properly yet. I have no idea what to write in it. But perhaps it will be better if I do not write them down. What is the point of writing and rehearsing the vows? That just makes them so "fake".
I will find the words to speak when the time comes. They will be much more sincere from the heart rather than on paper.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 10, Day 236, Year 6, 4th Age

Dear journal,

It has been almost a year now since I married and had my beautiful baby boy, Patrick Fu Sheng, and the progression from being the carefree, slightly rebellious princess to the gentle, responsible mother has been anything but easy. Ewan is now known as a Fletcher-Fu Sheng -- a compromise between losing his name and gaining mine, and he has attained the rank of Prince Consort within our royal ranks. I cannot imagine that he has had an easy time adjusting to his new responsibilities either, and it often looks like he is struggling between making the right decisions as a person of implied power, and the right decisions as the person that he is. I can certainly understand his dilemmas; it is not easy to be a commoner of his origin, to be thrust into the political world of intrigue and authority, where the wrong words or the slightest little gestures could mean the difference between unity and segregation.
But he is improving. And I am glad.

Meanwhile I find that my responsibilities as a mother are difficult to manage between my duties to the crown. Between my husband and the babysitter, I struggle sometimes to find more than a couple of hours to spend with my son. This makes me feel sad. But at the same time, it has made me a far more efficient worker here in the palace; I get so much more work done in the day now so that I may spend more time with my son, than I ever have before.
Moreover, I feel this sensation in my chest whenever I am away from him, like he is in danger and that I must go to him as fast as I can. I suppose I have the same maternal instincts as my mother, for it is an irrational feeling, that is present nonetheless.


So much has happened over the year that I do not think I will be able to document it all. We have discovered that there is a war going on between two of the islands in this realm: the Crimson Isles and the Steele Isles. We are not entirely certain of who is to blame for this war, nor do we know for sure if we can trust either nation. I have talked to my father about this, and my mother has too, and it has been decided to send a scouting party to the islands. We are using trusted civilians as far as possible to avoid implicating the government if the visit goes wrong.
We will find out who are the 'good' ones, and who are the 'bad ones'. Then we will help the 'good' ones defeat their opponents and earn their friendship and trust, and then we will reach out to rebuild and aid the ones we defeated to earn theirs. If all goes well, we will be able to annex them both into our empire.
This, of course is of utmost secrecy. The people of Lismore would not approve of anything less than the nations coming to us with envoys and parades, surrendering themselves to our empire with no incentive. That just is not how it works, but nobody here is going to understand that so only my father, mother and I know what is in the works. And possibly Emir, but I will keep him in the dark as well...just in case.

I am having the occasional disagreements with my grandmother. She is pretty skilled at making me feel guilty about things, and that I believe is ultimately the source of our occasional arguments: her ideology, making me feel guilty about my logic. And of course Radem agrees with her, but I suspect much of it is just for the sake of disagreeing with the way I see things.
I do listen to my grandmother a lot, and though I may not always agree with what she says, believes or does -- sometimes even think it is downright stupid, I do try my best to conform. I cannot claim to understand her ways or her mentality, but I am tired of upsetting her. She is one of the nicest people I know, and I do not want to burn her anymore, so I am just going to accept her ways, and that is that.
And hopefully, her idealized ways will work for me! Time will tell.

River has come back as well, but I fear that he and I can no longer be friends. He is completely without emotion and he has become very rude and unbearable to be around. Sai has also become a bit distant, but we are still friends. I hope. I plan to make arrangements to have him promoted from honorary bodyguard to a proper one. Forest is doing what Forest does. I heard he gave Ewan some trouble a little while ago.

Other than that... Athian has built a new greenhouse, Valric is still going on about his dragon thing, Mom is having a lot more good days now. Life is pretty good for me right now. Let us hope it carries on this way.

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 11, Day 206, Year 11, 4th Age

Dear journal,

I cannot believe that I managed to find you again in all of that mess from before my room's redecoration. The amount of stuff I have had to throw or give away has been staggering; it is hard for me to believe that I at one point needed all of that. In any case, I am glad I took the tme to clean out all the old things in there. It was really starting to get cluttered.

Patrick has grown into a wonderful young man, already in his teenaged years! Honestly it is not surprising to me that he has grown this quickly. He shares many of my qualities like that; he looks like me, he even acts a little like me. It is rather cute to watch. I have since had another child, another son named Kian. He looks like a white little Patrick!

But once again my racial concerns have returned to bedevil me. There is so much I would like to write down but that I feel would be much less important than  my son's happiness. Patrick has begun to notice that he is not quite like everyone else. I suppose I should have expected it to happen but it still came as a surprise to me to learn that the poor lad has been asking my father why he looks like a foxramau. It is not a secret that the foxramau are not very well liked around here but I do not wish for Patrick to feel like he is somehow less worth because of his appearance.
My father told him the same fib he told me when I was a kid, but I need to have a serious talk with my son about this as soon as I am able.

I have deliberated on this matter for hours and I have decided that he deserves the truth. I need to tell him why he and I are different from the rest of our family and why he may get funny looks from other people, and why he looks like a foxramau.
I have been avoiding the subject on purpose because I never wanted to make a big deal out of our racial appearance. It is not how we look on the outside that is important after all.

I go to sleep tonight hoping that he will not hate me for keeping it under wraps for this long. I hope he will be able to tackle it for what it is, and not make a big deal of it. He needs to understand that our origin was not a bad thing, and we are not bad for it. We are still Fu Shengs no matter what we look like.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

~~~ Entry 12, Day 207, Year 11, 4th Age

<the journal entry is splotched with ink here and there, and the occasional tiny (baby-sized) handprint that's forced its writer to shift words around and make corrections all over it for legibility's sake>

Dear journal,

So now I have shared with Patrick the circumstances under which we originated as a race, and he actually took it pretty well. I hope. He seemed insecure for a while and while I think I settled that insecurity, I also think that deep down he may yet be wondering if this really does not change a thing. I know very well what it is like to have thoughts of inferiority and shame, to feel like one is just a burden on the family. It is not a good place to be in.
I made sure to let him know that he could talk to me about anything so at least that door is open, should he need it. He knows I love him though, and he knows the rest of the family does too.

I am constantly worrying about what Patrick is doing at any moment of the day and I can find no peace when he is outside with his friend Riley, even though I know he will be looked out for. It is a strange feeling to be so inconsolably irrational, still knowing that worrying this much is ludicrous! I get now why my own parents used to get so frustrated with me for ditching my bodyguards all the time and running off on my own to do my own thing.
My little Patrick is growing up though. I need to let him spread his wings and fly soon. Soon, but not quite yet. There remains a milestone I wish to help him reach before I let him go.

Speaking of Riley, it turns out my hunch has been right all along: Patrick is gay, and he really loves Riley. I must admit that when I first started suspecting his disposition, I felt almost cheated. I want grandchildren to spoil some day, and that is not going to happen if Patrick gets with another male. Yet that is what is happening, and I have come to accept that Patrick lusts for other men. If that is what will make him happy, I am backing him up one-hundred percent.
Patrick seemed fearful that if he told Riley how he felt, the boy might leave him. But I think despite his worries, he realized after our talk that if he did not at least try then he would not be able to be happy. He would have been unhappy being on the sidelines keeping quiet while Riley perhaps felt the same as he did, but would begin to think that perhaps my son wasn't interested in him and then move on. He would have been unhappy if Riley left him.
I think he is going to tell Riley how he feels. He knows to pursue what makes him happy, and I know that it's going to be alright. Riley loves Patrick too; It is plain to see for anyone who has got working eyes. I would bet money on that they are a couple before the week is out.

Patrick still refuses to acknowledge his name though; he prefers his middle-name "Fletcher" above his first. I gave him a little history lesson on the name Patrick, and he seemed a bit more interested in it than he did when we started talking. Maybe he will do his own research soon and realize that "Patrick" is not a boring "old man"-name, but a name with a great history behind it that one should wear with pride -- and responsibility.

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

[Yuna Fu Sheng]

˜˜˜ Entry 13, Day x, Year y, 4th Age (( Date to be added when I get on SL again. ))

Dear journal,

Now is the Springfire Festival and people are out celebrating in the streets, enjoying both fine food and drinks, loud music, dance and good social interactions. Right now I wish I could be among them but my heart weighs heavy with worry today. A huntress who once knew Ewan and sought his attention for herself interrupted what was otherwise a very enjoyable evening. She made little Kian shed tears, and even I cried at the end. I do not care to recite what she said word for word, but the gist of it is that Ewan is not an indoors fox. He leaves us for so long because he cannot resist the call of the wild, and now I fear that this time he may not return.
The huntress made me question our decision to marry. Why would he choose someone who would want to keep him cooped up in a palace all day and seldom venture out into the wild? Perhaps he had hoped that I could tame him, make him one with our ways so that he might settle. In which case I have failed.

Father suggested that I do not have to be tangled into this shambled mess of a marriage any longer. He made a compelling point: Do I wait forever for Ewan, unhappy, only to spend a few days with him every few years? Or do I end our marriage so that I may find a chance of being happy more often than that?
More to the point, what would I tell the children? Patrick and Kian would be devastated if I just gave up hope, and I have tried so hard to maintain the stories of how great their father is. I think deep down, Patrick doesn't respect the man anymore. Kian has started to catch on. Kian has not even met his father yet. Is Ewan even aware that we have another son?

I have decided to wait for now, just in case he is already on his way home. Just a few more years. If he is not back by then, then I cannot linger. The children need a father, and I need the soothing presence of my mate.
I love Ewan very very much. It greatly saddens me that he cannot spend much time with us. My heart weeps for the children as much as it weeps for myself.

I guess deep down I know that he will not return. But there is always the hope.


- Yuna Fu Sheng