Ewyllyn Fu Sheng's Journal

[Tenaar Feiri]

(( This is Ewyllyn's private journal, accessible only to those who would have access to hers & Xahu's bedroom. ))


~ Day 235, Year 3, 4th Age

This will be the first time I'm writing anything but a captain's log. I notice Xahu is writing his own journal and it seems to me a good idea to do so myself. I've no clue where to start though, so I'll just begin with a little information about myself that a few people do not know.

My name is Ewyllyn Fu Sheng. I was born twenty-two years ago at a British colony in Surya, India. My family was a relatively average middle-class family with a middle-class house, wearing middle-class clothes & living middle-class lives in a generally middle-class world. My birthname was Cassandra Frost, of the Frost family, aptly named for its previous affinity with Ice magic far back in the early beginnings of the bloodline. This magic appears to have since been lost as the years passed & it became progressively less common.
I grew up together with my mother and father, and my two other brothers whose names, I'm sorry to say, unfortunately elude me. I was the youngest of the family.

My life took a turn towards what I am today when my parents somehow managed to acquire a substantial debt that they failed to repay with their limited wealth, and I recall very clearly the method by which they were finally able to settle their debt: selling me, their eight-year-old daughter, to a slaver. This slaver was a rare breed at the time, he was of Indian descent & his name was Ekakshara. He had a son whose name also continues to elude me, and he bought me to be their personal pet. Furres like myself were rare in India, even more so as I'm a white lion, so at first he kept me as a kind of trophy, letting me wander freely about his estate wearing nothing but a collar. Then I was intended to become a toy for his son, but this never happened.
The son passed away when I was at about thirteen years of age & something clicked in Ekakshara's mind afterwards. As if I could replace his son, he took the collar off & started treating me as one of his own family. This was how I came to learn the art of slavery. Ekakshara spent another three years teaching me the craft as he practically became a father to me -- never mind that he had also started to make use of my body for more intimate recreational activities. Alas even that was to end.
He perished near the end of my sixteenth year, leaving me with his estate, a basic slaver ship & with a crew. I departed to begin my new life shortly after the funeral, choosing a new name for myself to leave my old one behind: Ewyllyn.

So how did I come to obtain the refitted man-o-war that is docked at the port today?
It's actually a pretty fun story. We'd had a particularly good slave run some four years back, sold a lot & had a lot of money to spare, and we found an old warship washed ashore on an island in the Caribbean waters. She was pretty beaten up, but her cargo hold had some food supplies that hadn't gone bad yet & plenty of spare sails and ammunition. We cast a vote (I never made such decisions on my own) and it was decided that we would bring our current ship ashore as well & use its materials to perform the repairs needed. A few weeks later, we set sail on our new warship, that we soon refitted for slaving purposes. Of the 120 working cannons on each broadside, we stripped them down to 60 & used the extra space for slave quarters, supply storage & living quarters. Once we came ashore with our new ship, we hired more crew to man her & reinforced the hull with metal fittings.
Today she is known as the White Lioness (cheesy, I know). I said I was going to sell her when I married Xahu but I can't bring myself to. Instead I've dismissed the crew & sold all my remaining slaves, but the White Lioness has more than just sentimental value to me. I'll keep her.

In any case, enough about my history. I may continue that story in later journal entries.


My life... has taken a confusing turn sometime between now and when I first arrived in Lismore. Through some morally questionable ways, I found myself becoming the bodyguard of none other than the Prince of Lismore himself, and soon enough what was supposed to be a professional relationship turned into a romantic one, which was fine. We were happy, it felt dirty, forbidden & of course it was great fun! Though a couple of years younger than I am, I found myself increasingly reliant on Xahu's presence and guidance as our relationship grew. Perhaps this is because I am a lioness and he has become a 'pack leader'? I know certain instincts are hard to identify. This is a documented one I remember reading about before.
Regardless...
One thing led to another and we became very involved with each other. That is, until the Valentines betrayed us. They took me out right away and took Xahu away from me, used him to make Dru yield Lismore to them. They kept me in Xahu's bedroom and Edhel did things to me that I'm still not even comfortable writing about. But he got me pregnant.
Even as I was at last released to Rowan Valentine, who 'fixed' what Edhel had done to my soul & then released me to Valencia where I was reunited with my beloved Xahu, I had a bastard demon child growing inside of me. I've since come to accept this, even though I feel vile, dirty & impure. Like I have betrayed my love even though it isn't my fault. It did not stop us getting married though! And though rushed, it was still a memorable ceremony with Emir, Xahu & I.

Then we finally took back the city from the Valentines and killed the demons, and we settled into the castle. But now I face so many problems, I don't quite know how to deal.

First and foremost, I have been wounded so badly by Edhel's acts. With nothing else requiring my attention, my scars have been allowed to emerge. The mere mention of the word 'rape' sends me into hissy fits the likes of which I've never had before. Demons now terrify me for what they are able to do with their corruptive powers. Even Valencia, who did her best to help me, terrifies me. I don't want her in the council but beyond my irrational fear and suspicion, I cannot outright tell my husband this. Or Valencia herself, for that matter.
I have trouble sleeping, suffering frequent nightmares. But perhaps even more worrying, especially for poor Xahu, is my newfound trouble being nude in front of anyone but him. I've never been the shy girl before, I've always been comfortable letting the girls out in the middle of the street if I had to. But lately I can't stand to have people look at me nude, I panic when I can't find proper cover. And the touching...
Xahu may have noticed sometimes I tense up when he touches me lately. It's because a part of me fears the contact. I'm not allowing anyone else to touch me anymore, no matter how much I want to let them, and for a social creature like myself it's practically living in Hell. I need to be able to do handshakes, to give people hugs or such things. I told Xahu about most of my troubles a couple of nights ago, but I'm not yet ready to admit to him the issues I have developed as far as touching goes.
It still allows us to have good sex however. I trust Xahu with my life and I know he would never hurt me, and though the initial touches to my gender sometimes trigger little flashbacks of what's happened, we just need to get started and it's no longer an issue.

I'm stronger than this though. I need to power through the damage this has caused and try to heal what I can, somehow. I've transformed from a tough hard-ass slaver to a frightened child, and this must be remedied if I am to do good in the position I'm about to take.

As far as my position goes, I will soon be queen or empress, or whatever female form of the title Xahu chooses for himself on his coronation which is to be very soon. I have even acquired a (very expensive) outfit of our new banner's colours that I intend to wear.
I do find myself having a lot of trouble with the political aspect of my position though. I'm not used to all the subtlety that's needed for it. In fact, I don't know anything about being a royal. Emir is going to teach me what I need to know though, so hopefully that'll help.

I'll try to continue these journal entries in the future. Somehow I feel a whole lot lighter now that I have written this one.


~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 238, Year 3, 4th Age

I've told Xahu that he may read my journal at his leisure. I trust him, but some things I find difficult to put into words when I speak so I hope that perhaps in reading my journal entries, he will gain more insight into the more complicated, if not more distant parts of my mind. The things that I find too difficult to talk about will all go in here. Maybe at the end of the day it will help me as well.

It's been a day now since the coronation ceremony, and Xahu & I are now officially crowned emperor & empress of the Lismore Empire. The coronation itself went quite alright, or at least I'd like to think so. I still feel very uncomfortable being in the spotlight like that but I'm told that it's something I'll eventually get used to. I don't know if it'll happen anytime soon however, I'm not comfortable with all the attention yet, never mind that I feel like I look like a beached whale right now. My belly continues to grow and I'm just a little over halfway through the pregnancy. It has finally started to dawn on me that I'm carrying someone else's child. In the beginning I found that pretending it was Xahu's helped my mind stay at ease but that was before the evidence became so visible.
It's an uncomfortable subject at the very least, and though my mind is uneasy with the thought of carrying a bastard to term, I am determined to keep and raise it as my own, regardless of its sire. I suspect Xahu has got several reservations about the matter though. He appears to be careful, even hesitant of bringing up my pregnancy sometimes but I don't think he realizes that I don't mind that particular subject. No, what I mind is the method by which I became pregnant and that's already dealt with. It remains more or less up to me to deal with the personal demons that I have gained from it.

We have been able to discuss names though! We've decided that if it's a girl, we shall name it Yuna. If it's a boy: Valric. I have never been one for traditional names myself, as one might probably tell by my volitional name change way back in my teens. I like the name Yuna. It sounds unique. I find it a fitting name for a daughter of the empress of Lismore, a very unique empire. Alexander, if it's a boy, is a great name, too. It's a powerful one; a grand one. If it's a son then he will certainly have much to live up to.


Once again we encountered the Valentines however. They attended the coronation ceremony. At least they were the only two things in that room that could bring down my mood a little; not even that strange person wearing a sign entitled 'THE END IS NIGH' managed to offput me. Regardless, I still find myself hating the Valentine demons with every breath I take. I think the one Xahu talked to in the hall when we were done was named 'Amon'. He appears to have befriended a paladin. I fear he may have done to her what his father did to me; they looked extremely close. I find myself hard pressed to believe that a paladin would be friendly with a demon of that caliber of their own volition.
That being said, Amon said something about training to become a paladin & wanting to get rid of his demonhood. Valencia seemed to support the latter. Is it truly possible to remove the demon from them?

I will do what I can to convince Xahu to let Valencia have her way with Amon, just to be sure. If we can cure demonism (I don't know if that is an actual word), there may yet be a peaceful way to get the demon population under control without sacrificing individual freedoms. It won't make me happy, for I would see them driven from the land if I had cause for it, but it's something I can be at peace with, still.
And yet this takes me full circle back to the person that saved me from Edhel's clutches in the first place: Rowan Fangshi Valentine. I've come to a decision on how I feel about him.
Though I am grateful for Rowan's aid in this, I cannot -- and will not even try to convince Xahu to take that in account anymore. An example must be made, and I will have to trust in that he will understand my reason for siding wholly with the city. Should Amon be successfully cured of his demonism and live, I would wish to offer Rowan the same opportunity.


In brighter news though, the bedroom has been fully furnished at last! The bed itself is hugely comfortable and we've installed a fireplace, our own couch, a work area in which I write this journal, our own bath, a privacy screen (I love it to bits!), a bookcase full of books I might not want to read but will end up having to, and the most gorgeous and soft carpet that I spent a whole hour just rolling around on in front of the fireplace while Xahu slept. An act I regretted the moment I needed to get back up again. I don't think I'll try that again alone anytime soon while I'm carrying this child.
I also had my first bath that I did not need to prepare myself, today. It was a bit strange having the servants fill the tub for me, and the soaps & oils I used were ones I didn't even know existed! Everything is suddenly so exquisite.

I'm starting to enjoy the luxury.


~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 242, Year 3, 4th Age

Lord Athian's philosophies are beginning to frustrate me. It seems he comes from a place that exists much like the Tirrenelda' Temple floating above us, an origin I fear makes him blind to the necessity of sometimes causing a little harm for the greater good. In this case, I refer to a conversation or argument I had with him at the tail end of our meeting before I returned to write down this journal entry.

Mishra arrived at the Rabbit Hole where we were enjoying meals and drinks to ask us if anyone wanted to volunteer for some medical trials designed to put the new healer I sent to him to the test. Unfortunately only I, and someone named something I cannot even begin to guess how it's spelled & of a species I have never seen before, seemed to understand the purpose behind it. Athian naturally became upset because I was allowing Mishra to ask for volunteers so long as he was upfront about what volunteering entails for the subjects. He made a good point asking why another doctor couldn't be used for the trials, but at the same time I don't feel like it would be right of me to force Mishra's silence on the matter; he is well within his right to ask people if they want to help with this and that, even if it involves certain amounts of physical harm. That is provided that the subject is aware of the harm, and its extent, and still agrees.
I can no more stop a person wanting to help Mishra with his trials than I can stop a person climbing a tree in the forest just because it's foolish and dangerous. Freedom without the right to make stupid decisions is not freedom at all.

I had never before pictured Athian a hypocrite however. I explained to him that live subjects are needed to advance medicine & healing, and that it is better to ask for volunteers than await a disaster that would leave people in desperate need of the help, and moments later Mishra started to offer gold to people who'd volunteer for the job. Again not something I see anything wrong in. What he's doing is nothing short of giving people a job, a chance to earn money. But Athian took much offence to that for some reason, despite having someone employed for money (Athian is strongly against slavery & free labour, so it's definitely paid work) whose job is to serve him. That is the kind of dynamic job one never quite knows for sure what will happen in. How does that uncertainty make it better than Mishra's offered job, where people will be told exactly what they're getting themselves into? Moreover, he answered his own concerns: poor people will be attracted to taking Mishra's offer to gain money with which to feed themselves & their families. Meanwhile he offered no better alternatives to discourage people from accepting Mishra's job offer, and still be able to earn that amount of gold.

Athian proceeded to quickly make his departure. I am a little bit confused, and somewhat disheartened. It would seem that instead of allowing me the chance to reason the matter with him, he prefers it if his friends do not argue with him and agree wholeheartedly with everything that he believes. And sadly it appears that he is no better than the average noble who'd be supportive of someone important up until the moment they'd disagree on a single matter.

I had expected to encounter something like this once everything had been finalized. I just hadn't expected such a sensible, well-mannered man to have such a poor side to him. It shouldn't come as a surprise; we've all got poor sides. But still... I should be more careful around him. If my allowing perfectly lawful behaviour could make him so mad just because he disagreed with it, there is little wonder how the Valentines, who besides harming & kidnapping me and my new family (and in secret, at that), were practically showering him with titles & gifts, ended up toppled by a group of people formed by Lord Athian himself.

Should I be worried that this could happen again if he & I continue to disagree on matters...?


~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 257, Year 3, 4th Age

I at last feel like I am able to begin settling into the life as an empress here in Lismore. The things that I found strange and unusual with this new life of luxury are quickly becoming as normal for me as breathing. Having servants around to prepare everything for me has helped me immensely now that I find myself unable to do much bending down or kneeling & when Xahu is out on his business, I find solace in the fact that at any moment, should I need someone to speak with, I may simply call upon one of them or our advisors while he is away. This is a safety net the kind of which I haven't been able to have before, and it is freeing. For once in my life I can be completely and wholly myself.

Though life in the palace isn't all good either. I constantly have to watch my tongue so that I don't say the wrong thing & the slightest gesture I make appears to gain a response from the staff here. I am getting used to that as well, but the power I have over peoples lives now is in many ways terrifying. Even more terrifying is the prospect of being unable to escape a situation because some inconsiderate idiot refuses to acknowledge my requests like that late Ciran fellow. But I digress...

Xahu held the first court without me a couple of days ago. I could not stand to face the Valentines again and I heard it was a good thing I decided not to appear, too; Rowan and Rayenne got into what I would describe as nothing less than a bitchfight in the middle of court, that ended with Rowan's separation from his own family and a change of his name. I'm not certain how to feel about that. As someone whose parents gave me away, into slavery no less, I mostly just feel distressed on both Rowan and Rayenne's behalf. Temper and pride shouldn't come between family members like that, and it has torn them asunder.
I would be lying, too, if I were to claim that I don't find any enjoyment in the fact. A large part of me revels in hearing of them disintegrating like that, even relishes the very thought. And yet the spiteful joy that I find in their troubles is tempered with guilt and self-loathing for feeling this way. It is all very confusing.
In any case, I will make an effort to make the next public court meeting. I recognize that however pregnant I am, it gives off a most terrible impression of myself if I cannot even stand -- or sit as it were -- before the people to hear their pleas. More importantly, I am never going to learn to handle these people if I do not participate.

I have been thinking a lot about what Lord Athian said, that I ranted about in my previous journal entry. The man still infuriates me and I still believe he was completely and utterly wrong in complaining to me about permitting Mishra's actions. He was, however, right in one thing: I was afraid to take a real stance on the matter. I wanted to, but I am terrified of it now. The people of Lismore are not slaves that I can treat how I will, they are the people I am meant to help guide and protect.
And yet my first instinct lingers from my time as a slaver: oppress and subdue. It is a good way of thinking if you are training unruly slaves, but it is not a mentality I wish to adopt in my rulings. And when Athian protested against my permissions, I fought back the urge to make push come to shove & subdue him. I didn't know how to properly assert myself, so instead I attempted logic. And yet my words were twisted and used against me.
How do I assert myself over someone who does not fear me, or my punishments? If reason fails & subjugation is not an option, I am left out of my league and without a stick with which to enforce my rulings.


As for what concerns my child, it is moving about inside of me more and more as of late. I may be approaching term faster than I had anticipated. I am already past the usual term for one of my species if my math is correct. I just hope it will stay in there until the winter celebrations are over & things start to calm down in the city.
I've started to feel a little colder inside for some reason. Physically colder, that is. Pray tell the doctor will know why once I work up the motivation to pay him a visit.


~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 285, Year 3, 4th Age

Our babies are born! A week ago today, in fact. We had two: a beautiful baby boy: Valric; and a beautiful baby girl: Yuna. I can barely take my eyes off them so this will be a short entry!

They're both white like me, and it's not entirely as I feared it would be: only Yuna carries the traits of a foxramau with her, but even she still looks a lot like me. Valric looks more like a wolf. He is definitely Xahu's son. And even though Yuna is not his daughter, we're resolved to raise her as if she is! And she's a beautiful girl, seems to be without demonic taint.
Mishra explained it to me after he'd helped deliver them, but I didn't understand much of it. I think the gist of it was that both Xahu and Edhel impregnated me, and that's a thing felines have apparently. I don't care though, they're my children!

I love them so much!

~ Ewyllyn
<The signature is scribbled so hastily it's barely legible.>

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 324, Year 3, 4th Age

Here we go again! I can feel the warmth of my loins and the burning in my body. There is no question about it: I am entering heat again. Seems my body has finally gotten over giving birth to Valric & Yuna, and now it's rearing up to go again. Of course this means that we need to be careful with when and how we mate unless we want to end up with another litter. And quite frankly, I'm not ready to have another one yet.
Thing with my heats is that they do not occur just once or twice a year; at its worst, my body can throw itself into heats as often as every two weeks once it starts. Curse of a feline, I suppose.

I'm beginning to feel more confident in my role as leader, although I find myself at odds with Valencia possibly far more often than I'd like. She wanted to introduce us to her pet, Dawn, a black feline who has been trained in security detail and whatnot, I don't really remember the specifics of her skillset. And maybe I was unfair; my demon hatred boils under my skin at the mere thought that Valencia should get to have any say in anything around the palace, I'll admit I give her & her associates a much harder time than I would a mortal.
But to be fair, when the proposed head of security can't even make herself understood to us mortals, much less refrain from making suggestions like breaking into the palace in the middle of the night to prove how weak our defences are, is there a wonder I am skeptical about giving this kind of responsibility to Dawn?
Valencia naturally rose to her pet's defence, something that I also believe was inappropriate; if her pet cannot defend herself from criticism then how is she at all a good candidate for this job? Moreover, the demon also tried to justify the suggestion (although she did put her foot down on that, herself) by saying that sometimes the only way to convince someone of something, is to demonstrate it. That may be true, but the only thing Dawn would demonstrate if she broke into our personal bed chambers at night, would be how to land oneself in the gallows in ten seconds. Nobody is allowed unauthorized entry into our bedchambers, not while our children are still there. Anyone who sneaks in there without permission, I shall personally see hung, for there is absolutely no tolerance for that kind of behaviour when it can (hypothetically) put my babies at risk. But I digress...
Valencia also appears to take great offence when her suggestions and/or advice aren't well received, and instead of backing off like she should have when her pet overstepped her lines & given us an opportunity to consider the matter properly, she stubbornly insisted on arguing that Xahu & I were assuming things about what Dawn says when the damned cat can't even make herself understood. Frankly, we have to assume things in this case; if Dawn does do a good job, then great, but if she does a poor job, it puts me, Xahu & our cubs in serious danger. We have to assume things based on the initial presentation which I'm sorry to say, was not good. I'm not going to put my trust into someone who can just casually and openly consider breaking into the palace when we're skeptical of her suggestions, just to prove her point. And that's not just for our sakes, but for Dawn's as well.
It does not at all help that she appears to expect us to make our decisions on the spot when she gives us suggestions (lest we tell her we need time to consider it), and then urges us to tread cautiously and with great care when someone else is voicing theirs. I guess that is simply the nature of a demon, something she cannot help. It's still unpleasant.
Come to think of it, her behaviour reminds me of Athian's from when I mentioned our little argument in the journal. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Obviously I'm rather frustrated with the whole ordeal. I suggested Valencia puts Dawn to good use at the city guard but she turned that down on account of 'wanting to give Dru a chance' or 'not wanting to give Dru the impression that we do not trust her'. If Dru would take such an issue with extra help at repairing & optimizing the Guard, she shouldn't have that position in the first place; pride musn't come before people. I am convinced that it wouldn't be a problem with Dru. She's a prideful woman, but she knows what to prioritize & I'm confident in that were she offered the help, she would gladly accept and be happy for it. That's what I like about her, she's steadfast but flexible. Valencia doesn't give her enough credit, I think.


Valric and Yuna are growing so fast now, it's hard to keep track of them. It saddens me, for I would have liked to spend more time with my children as children, and give them a long and happy childhood. Alas, that is not to be the case. The excessive growth rate children seem to experience here in Lismore forces me to make every second of my children's childhoods count. It's honestly beginning to get a little tiring. Xahu is there for me though, and he aids me whenever he is able. We've established a proper order for diaper changes, Xahu helps me feed the little ones and we take our time to play with them as often as we can.
The little ones are starting to develop personalities and it's actually very interesting. Yuna appears to be more reserved in nature, preferring to be quiet and stay in her little corners while Valric is so eager to explore, I had to block the balcony exits so he cannot accidentally get out.
Unfortunately, Yuna may have some trouble with the outside when she gets older. I took her outside today, for a couple of minutes just to see how she'd react to the fresh air & help stimulate her, and I couldn't help but notice weird looks from the other commoners. Some of them even looked at my girl like I was teasing them with a piece of meat. It concerns me, and I will have to consider purchasing a slave for her that can follow her around when she starts exploring town, and protect her.
I can't quite blame the commoners though; she does have certain foxramau traits, including the identifying eartufts and twin tails. But at the same time, I find it scary.

Watching my cubs grow, I often find my thoughts drifting back in time to what few memories I retain of my own birthparents. And I'm beginning to realize just how much I miss them, even though they sold me. I should try to get back in touch with them, invite them to Lismore. I'm sure it would be an awkward meeting at first but I've forgiven them for selling me. I just want to see them again. I don't think they're even remotely aware that their daughter is an empress now.
I know for sure though that if I find them, even if I cannot summon them to Lismore, I am going to send them some of our wealth. They deserve a better life than the one I remember. If I'm really lucky, maybe they're already living better than then. That would've been amazing.


~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 104, Year 4, 4th Age

It's been a long while since I last wrote in my journal right now. My heats are slowing down a little bit now, enough that I feel like I can go outside again. I've started taking some medication to reduce their otherwise almost crippling impact on me, and it's helping a lot.

In between my time caught in bed with Xahu betwixt my legs, I spend my days watching over Valric & Yuna to make sure that they're both happy and well cared for. They both grew very fast but it seems that they have evened out a little bit since then. Valric is a very imaginative and adventurous little warrior, he says he protected us from fire goblins or something while he was out playing one day. He's got his heart in the right place, that's for sure. And he loves his sword and his teddy bear, Sir Bear as he's called him. The boy is a refreshing contrast to Yuna, whose staggering intellect unfortunately seems to have robbed her of the imagination that a child is supposed to have. It makes it very difficult to play with her in any way; she constantly asks about things. Why does the dragon attack the fortress? How can its fire melt the stone walls? Such questions. She makes up for it with an extremely impressive amount of knowledge and booksmarts, but I really wish she would spend more time outside playing.
She's got a new friend: River. Not the engineer from Cruentus, but a young boy about her age apparently. At least in looks. She seems to like him, but is reluctant to let him into the palace in his condition. Says he's an orphan and that he is dirty and needs washing. I suspect she doesn't fully appreciate the differences between his life & hers, but I trust in that she'll be able to see it in due time.
I think Emir is oft tearing at his mane over these two. I haven't seen or heard anything, but I know that the unicorn is a little bit conservative to say the least, and the kids are fairly progressive of mind. I strongly doubt that Valric can sit still through those lessons for long, and Yuna is more likely to either question Emir to madness or inadvertently offend him by correcting him or something.
I'm not so sure if Valric has made any friends yet though. I'm going to ask him about it later.

I've been keeping mostly inside the palace lately. I think I'm developing yet another phobia, but I've frankly had it with that. I'm uncomfortable stepping outside, but I'm going to have to make myself do it. I'm an empress now, I can't let Edhel's damage settle so deeply within me to make me afraid of everything. It has even made me a little bit quick to anger, but I don't think anybody's noticed. But yes, it's time for me to unveil myself again. I'm sure people have been asking where I've been & I think I owe it to them to make an appearance.

Athian came to visit the other day, which was very enjoyable. The kids seem to like him, and he's a very good friend of Xahu's. I'm thinking my previous judgments of him may have been a little bit harsh.
He wanted to speak to Xahu about some greenhouse thing. I'm not so sure what that was about, and I think Yuna knew & wanted to explain it but Athian beat her to the punch. I watched her with a titter of amusement as she made the cutest pouty face ever. The girl needs to learn that other people have to get a word in, too. We then talked about the power cores and Yuna's ice magic. I am really skeptical about using anything demon-made on Yuna but at the same time I can tell that Yuna is scared of her powers. They're out of control. We didn't tell anyone about this particular incident, but a few days before Athian's visit, Yuna had touched my arm & left a pretty nasty frostbite there. So bad in fact, that I had to rush to a healer before it caused even more damage. She hasn't touched me with her hands since, she wraps them in her sleeves so she doesn't do any more damage.
I really don't want to give her a power core. We don't even know if it'll take! But unless we can find someone who specializes in this stuff to help my little girl, we don't have a lot of options. I tell her not to worry and that it'll be okay, and I try to be a good mother but even I am a little frightened of her, and she knows it. She knows that I lie when I console her, she's too smart for my deception. So I'm going to concede the matter. She will have her power core as soon as we know how to get one.

Xahu's told me that the girl has been asking questions about her heritage. She's starting to realize that she doesn't look like her father at all, that in fact her ears and tails aren't even a family trait. Xahu explained it like that she looks that way because I was exposed to the foxramau for too long while they were doing bad things, that children in the womb were too vulnerable to that stuff to not change. She bought it, but I wonder for how long until she starts questioning that logic.


There's been some concerns with foxramau breeding apparently. I pick up things now and again from listening to servants chatter about the world beyond the palace. I guess I'm finally starting to improve a little because my first thought wasn't to ban it and castrate the lot of them anymore. I don't like it though, and I'll be looking into imposing some kind of restriction if it gets out of hand. But for now I am content to watch and see how it develops. One thing that seems to be very recurring with those creatures is that they rear up in defence the moment they feel that they are being confronted. I wonder if perhaps redirection would be more desirable than confrontation as so far, confrontation has only made them more reclusive again. I'll voice my thoughts on the matter to Xahu, bring up the idea of making the foxramau our shock-troopers or something like that. He doesn't believe enslaving them and forcing them to work for us like that would make a difference of course.
I do believe it would help though. They are too powerful to be left to their own devices.


So Rosie is apparently a child of Edhel's as well. Seems we just can't seem to be rid of his blood in our midst. She inadvertently spent five thousand gold coins from our coffers on turning herself into a bunny. Xahu is a bit too harsh on her, I think. She's never done anything like that on purpose to spite anyone or actually steal. She's just stupid. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. She just isn't smart!
At least her punishment has helped improve her cooking though.

~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 132, Year 4, 5th Age

This is getting a little bit ridiculous. In the past month or so I've been going outside a lot, mostly to train my body so that I can start to fight again after this long time of idleness...but also to try and socialize. And I cannot get over just how awkward it feels to talk to the commoners now, despite that I used to be one myself! I have to watch what I say, I have to watch how I act. I cannot sass back to someone who likes to sass me (playfully, I should add).
I'm a very social creature and I don't like that I've to be so careful around the people. Then again I can sort of understand it.

There are some weird characters in town as of late. There is this strange gender-confused thing called Jinaya, who has breasts but apparently can impregnate girls. Then there is a quad-breasted woman here named Tanya, a vixen of unknown origins. She appears to be very clumsy.
And as if four breasts weren't enough already, there's this new bunny-jackalope-thing, female too, with boobs big enough to hold six of Tanya's! It looked like they could barely fit in her wraps.

I suspect that Jinaya is a retired pirate. She calls it 'privateering' but I'm pretty sure that it's not. At least she appears to have retired from a life of violence. Tanya appears to be an archer, which I imagine must be difficult with her body type, and the jackalope -- whose name is Rachaelle -- is a martial artist much like Dru. She was showing off her physical strength at the arena today & it was very impressive, she absolutely ravaged the poor dummy. It was a good opportunity to test the new enchantment I had commissioned for it though, making it self-repairing. It's a wonder she can even fight, top heavy as she must be. Then again I suppose you have to be strong with that kind of weight on your torso... I can just be glad that I am just slightl below moderately sized.

I've neglected to mention lately that I've taken up gemcutting & jewelcrafting as a hobby. I'm finding I've got a good talent with those, and one of the local mages showed me how to imbue certain stones with magical properties using Tass. I have to be careful of course, the process isn't perfect & I am not magically aligned so I can easily get poisoned...but it works. In theory. I have to practice this more, it could be useful to master.


The Vances have been acting up again, this time wanting to trade their pet Shera to Nazatuur for one of her puppies. I know it's not technically illegal here in Lismore, but I made a ruling about it: I forbade it. And I set the upper limit for what they can charge for her in monetary value to be ten thousand gold pieces. Maybe it was a stupid decision of me to interfere, but there's no reason to allow the foxramau to make a fuss where there doesn't need to be one.
I gained some brownie points with Dru and her friend in doing so however. Ultimately though, I need to be more careful picking my 'battles' so to speak, at least so far as things involving demons and their doings go.

Xahu just came upstairs so I'll have to continue this journal entry later.

~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ Day 12, Year 5, 5th Age

I never did get to finish that last journal entry I made. Naturally when I could remember that I indeed had this journal lying about, I had already forgotten my trail of thoughts so I don't think I'll be finishing it anytime soon.

It's been a long time now since I last recorded anything in here. Mostly it's been because not a lot has happened that's been noteworthy enough to write about! But I'll still record a simple summary, at least so far as I've been able to keep track of things.

First of all, I still struggle with my fear of being outside but it's slowly improving. I'm healing at long last. I'm going to be outside more often for sure, I really miss it and being locked up in the bedroom all the time is just not appropriate. Besides I want to personally meet Yuna's new friends some day. Xahu has been keeping me updated on her growth and progress while I've been mostly busy with Valric. It's not that I favour Valric over Yuna, it's just that I think Yuna is a very smart girl for her age & she realizes that her mother isn't entirely healthy. She gives me space, for which I am both grateful and disheartened. I feel like she & I are slipping a little bit more away from one another.
Valric on the other hand, he's a proper mommy's boy. I spend most of my time with him, playing and helping Emir teach the boy a number of skills and subjects. He and his toy--'Sir Bear', are most courageous & they have both defended our realm from the 'fire goblins' or something on multiple occasions. It's really quite cute.
I find it somewhat disturbing that Yuna is growing so fast though. Valric still seems to be content to resemble his age whereas Yuna looks to be fully adult in... I don't even know, maybe days? But for all of her intellect, the girl is still just a child even if her body disagrees with that notion. She has come to me asking for advice about certain female functions and other issues she has encountered, such as monthly bleedings, heats and the like, and I've done my best to answer them. But it feels awkward answering these questions of what is basically a teenaged five year-old! How's that for an oxymoron?

Xahu tells me she's been spending a lot of time outside making friends, which is good. Apparently she is already building a harem for herself, so eager to grow up in every way that she is, and she's already added her three boyfriends to it. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they might not accept that, although I have a sneaking suspicion that they will anyway; she's a beautiful princess and men will be willing to give up so much to be with her. I should know; she takes her beauty and natural attraction from me. The girl is becoming a very powerful mage, very quickly.
I'm really proud of her.

We had yet more trouble with the demons this year. The Vance kids, as it turns out, have been molesting the farm animals and causing them quite a lot of harm. Radem was furious about it & reported it directly to Xahu, who apparently took measures to incarcerate the kids. I'm hearing that the Vance kids' father, Anthony helped put them in jail. I wonder why...

Athian finally finished the plans for his greenhouse as well, and construction is to begin soon. With any luck, we'll never have to worry about the crops come winter again. Or something. I really don't know the details.


I've been trying to visit Dru a lot but her new job keeps her very busy. She's hardly in her bedroom anymore, and it's probably becoming common knowledge that I don't like to go outside or something like that. But I haven't done anything to disprove it so obviously I haven't been able to visit Dru at the guardhouse. I like our talks, they're very soothing. We need to do that some more.
I remember last time I managed to give voice to my concern that Yuna could turn out liking other girls, but obviously that's no more a concern. She did suggest that we become a little bit more... intimately familiar with each other, if Xian & Xahu agreed. I'm not sure how feel about that. I'll admit that I have certain reservations towards same sex interactions in that respect...but I guess it just makes me uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with it, I've just decided I won't personally engage in it. So long as these things aren't made into my business then I'm completely fine with it. Maybe if I'm one day brave enough to try it, I'll be able to know for sure how I feel about the matter.

The servants are arriving and setting up the massage table. Time for this lioness to forget everything for the next two hours.


~ Ewyllyn

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ D 224, Y 5, 4th Age

Well we are slowly coming closer to a year since I last wrote in my journal. I have not been needing to record my thoughts for some time now, for which I am both grateful and somewhat concerned. I enjoy writing in my journal, it has proven to be very therapeutic for me. A lot has happened in the past several months, I do not know if I can record it all in here, but I will try to write down what I remember over the next few journal entries.

Life is hectic as Empress, not to mention difficult. It has required a considerable amount of effort to become at least remotely competent although I still find myself trapped by emotions clouding my judgment. In some instances that has worked out for the better. In others, not so much.
I feel like I am looked at as but a trophy by the people of Lismore. When I attend courts or try to make a ruling on something, I am looked upon as though I am but a child playing king, and I am oftentimes ignored or even ridiculed. It is a frustrating position to be in for although I have the authority and means to demonstrate that I mean business, I cannot utilize them. Therefore I appear as a woman with nothing more than big words or empty promises. I find that the people enjoy their freedom here far too much, and now Xahu and I are the only ones who seem to realize the problem of having too much of it. We are supposed to be the ones who do what is best for Lismore, but if we are so slack here that people are able to outright ignore us, for I know Xahu experiences this sometimes as well, then how are we supposed to do our jobs?
Xahu grew up with the philosophy that one is never to restrict people, but I have seen what complete freedom does to people. You end up with anarchist societies like the many free pirate settlements around the ocean where nobody listens to, or respects one another. They just take and do not give.
I was a slave for many years of my life, forced to serve a man and his sons since before I entered my teens. I know what it feels like to have my freedoms taken from me, to be restricted in what I am allowed to do or am allowed to say. That is not what I wish for the people of Lismore, but whenever the matter of any restriction comes up, it seems that people simply assume that restriction equals enslavement & therefore they vehemently oppose it.

This little rant is partly caused by the last council meeting that I attended. We were discussing the fate of one of Lismore's former tyrants. Lucian returned from the dead and, needless to say, I did not approve of it. I know of his history and I do not trust him. People do not change, only their motivations do. I have no idea what Xahu was thinking when he let that man begin to supply us with goods as 'atonement'. I am still firmly in belief that he should have been punished, not rewarded for his transgressions. The fact that he sacrificed himself to save Lismore is no longer relevant; what I saw before me was not a dead man who had given his life. I saw a live man who was unapologetic of his actions, who sought only to weasel his way back into Lismore's society. But I was the only one who seemed to see this, and the man had the audacity to outright ignore me when I called him on it. I continued to argue with Xahu and Emir, but my husband eventually silenced me. Lucian was permitted to begin his planned activities.
I refuse to simply let this go. I will continue to argue for his incarceration every time he is brought up for debate, and I will also vehemently oppose his further participation in the council, if there is to be any. He had no place there to begin with, whether we'd been discussing him or whose carrots to eat next morning...

There are at least some good-ish news to share at least. Valric is growing well and he is becoming a very handsome, very strong young man. He still plays a lot, but he is taking to his new responsibilities quite well. And according to Emir, he learns fast.
Yuna is now fully adult with all the things that come with adulthood. But she is yet a child in her mind and her childish recklessness has resulted in her pregnancy. I am outraged about it of course, for I made her promise to be careful. This promise is broken. On the flip side, she seems to be taking this seriously, and I am going to be a grandmother. It fills me with a sense of mixed pride. We do not know who is the father.

I have also made some progress in my recovery from the whole demon trauma. I allowed Valric to play with one of the demon children, although it was terribly difficult to permit it, I managed. This is good. I am one step closer to being able to let go of the past. To move on from the terrible ordeals I had to endure.


~ Ewyllyn Fu Sheng

[Tenaar Feiri]

~ D 288, Y 7, 4th Age

Xahu and I had a pretty big fight the other day, and I feel awful about it. I feel awful because I hate shouting at him, but at the same time I get the feeling that he does not really see me anymore. We seem to be growing apart, and I cannot understand why. I sometimes wonder if I am doing wrong by him, but most of the time I always defer to his experience. Despite the fact that I am several years older, I do recognize that Xahu has greater skill and experience in this world of politics and intrigue than I do. I know my place in this hierarchy and I respect that. Perhaps I have become too boring for him.
Or perhaps the strains of his work are taking their toll on his psyche.

This particular argument was naturally about the demons. Specifically, what we are to do with their penchant for changing themselves by way of potions or magic. One of their younglings, Narmer, came in seeking permission to have his female gender removed through a potion procedure, which then appeared to end up becoming a normal -- at least as far as Lismore goes -- procedure of cutting that part of him out manually. I do not want the foxramau species to change like that anymore. I fear for their health if they continue, but Xahu does not appear to share my concerns... or he does not understand them.
At first he seemed baffled that I had started to care about the species. If he had ever taken a moment to watch me, or even ask me, then he would have known that I have forgiven them for some time now. I have managed to let go of the hatred I carry, and while yes, there will always be some measure of animosity lingering in my heart, I am able to be involved now. More importantly, I want to be involved. And I want to forbid these changes entirely, to put the Vance family in stasis for a while so that they have time to create a solid foundation upon which to repair themselves.
This was not to be. Emir sniped me before I could deny them, and in the subsequent argument I had with Xahu I learned that he had specifically ordered that only he and Emir can handle foxramau matters. His excuse that he wanted to spare me the experience does not satisfy me. Moreover, I am pretty sure he told me to my face to 'shut up'. Not in those exact words, but the way he worded himself in reaction to my plea that he trusts me more to help handle leadership matters, it was almost vicious.

I am insecure and frightened that something seems to be driving a wedge between us. Something seems to make him so angry. He hides it well, but it is briefly revealed in how he reacts to my criticism, how he twists and turns it against me, how he gets stuck on simple details -- such as what is between the foxramau's legs as the original point of conflict was the whole sex-altering thing -- and how he fails to see the bigger picture of it all. He got jealous, that is what it was: jealousy! That I worried about the Vances' health seemed insignificant compared to that he thought I cared especially about their genitals. It was completely off-kilter!

I need to move his schedule around a little bit so we can free up some time to talk about this. Other couples fight and go through tough times as well, and I hope that this is just one of those tough times. I am much better now than I used to be, too. I can help take some of his workload off of him, if he would just let me. I am an actual wife, not a trophy; I genuinely adore my husband, and if he is having troubles then I want to be there and help him. I just wish that he realizes that.

~ Ewyllyn Fu Sheng