~~~ Entry 12, Day 207, Year 11, 4th Age

<the journal entry is splotched with ink here and there, and the occasional tiny (baby-sized) handprint that's forced its writer to shift words around and make corrections all over it for legibility's sake>

Dear journal,

So now I have shared with Patrick the circumstances under which we originated as a race, and he actually took it pretty well. I hope. He seemed insecure for a while and while I think I settled that insecurity, I also think that deep down he may yet be wondering if this really does not change a thing. I know very well what it is like to have thoughts of inferiority and shame, to feel like one is just a burden on the family. It is not a good place to be in.
I made sure to let him know that he could talk to me about anything so at least that door is open, should he need it. He knows I love him though, and he knows the rest of the family does too.

I am constantly worrying about what Patrick is doing at any moment of the day and I can find no peace when he is outside with his friend Riley, even though I know he will be looked out for. It is a strange feeling to be so inconsolably irrational, still knowing that worrying this much is ludicrous! I get now why my own parents used to get so frustrated with me for ditching my bodyguards all the time and running off on my own to do my own thing.
My little Patrick is growing up though. I need to let him spread his wings and fly soon. Soon, but not quite yet. There remains a milestone I wish to help him reach before I let him go.

Speaking of Riley, it turns out my hunch has been right all along: Patrick is gay, and he really loves Riley. I must admit that when I first started suspecting his disposition, I felt almost cheated. I want grandchildren to spoil some day, and that is not going to happen if Patrick gets with another male. Yet that is what is happening, and I have come to accept that Patrick lusts for other men. If that is what will make him happy, I am backing him up one-hundred percent.
Patrick seemed fearful that if he told Riley how he felt, the boy might leave him. But I think despite his worries, he realized after our talk that if he did not at least try then he would not be able to be happy. He would have been unhappy being on the sidelines keeping quiet while Riley perhaps felt the same as he did, but would begin to think that perhaps my son wasn't interested in him and then move on. He would have been unhappy if Riley left him.
I think he is going to tell Riley how he feels. He knows to pursue what makes him happy, and I know that it's going to be alright. Riley loves Patrick too; It is plain to see for anyone who has got working eyes. I would bet money on that they are a couple before the week is out.

Patrick still refuses to acknowledge his name though; he prefers his middle-name "Fletcher" above his first. I gave him a little history lesson on the name Patrick, and he seemed a bit more interested in it than he did when we started talking. Maybe he will do his own research soon and realize that "Patrick" is not a boring "old man"-name, but a name with a great history behind it that one should wear with pride -- and responsibility.

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

~~~ Entry 10, Day 236, Year 6, 4th Age

Dear journal,

It has been almost a year now since I married and had my beautiful baby boy, Patrick Fu Sheng, and the progression from being the carefree, slightly rebellious princess to the gentle, responsible mother has been anything but easy. Ewan is now known as a Fletcher-Fu Sheng -- a compromise between losing his name and gaining mine, and he has attained the rank of Prince Consort within our royal ranks. I cannot imagine that he has had an easy time adjusting to his new responsibilities either, and it often looks like he is struggling between making the right decisions as a person of implied power, and the right decisions as the person that he is. I can certainly understand his dilemmas; it is not easy to be a commoner of his origin, to be thrust into the political world of intrigue and authority, where the wrong words or the slightest little gestures could mean the difference between unity and segregation.
But he is improving. And I am glad.

Meanwhile I find that my responsibilities as a mother are difficult to manage between my duties to the crown. Between my husband and the babysitter, I struggle sometimes to find more than a couple of hours to spend with my son. This makes me feel sad. But at the same time, it has made me a far more efficient worker here in the palace; I get so much more work done in the day now so that I may spend more time with my son, than I ever have before.
Moreover, I feel this sensation in my chest whenever I am away from him, like he is in danger and that I must go to him as fast as I can. I suppose I have the same maternal instincts as my mother, for it is an irrational feeling, that is present nonetheless.


So much has happened over the year that I do not think I will be able to document it all. We have discovered that there is a war going on between two of the islands in this realm: the Crimson Isles and the Steele Isles. We are not entirely certain of who is to blame for this war, nor do we know for sure if we can trust either nation. I have talked to my father about this, and my mother has too, and it has been decided to send a scouting party to the islands. We are using trusted civilians as far as possible to avoid implicating the government if the visit goes wrong.
We will find out who are the 'good' ones, and who are the 'bad ones'. Then we will help the 'good' ones defeat their opponents and earn their friendship and trust, and then we will reach out to rebuild and aid the ones we defeated to earn theirs. If all goes well, we will be able to annex them both into our empire.
This, of course is of utmost secrecy. The people of Lismore would not approve of anything less than the nations coming to us with envoys and parades, surrendering themselves to our empire with no incentive. That just is not how it works, but nobody here is going to understand that so only my father, mother and I know what is in the works. And possibly Emir, but I will keep him in the dark as well...just in case.

I am having the occasional disagreements with my grandmother. She is pretty skilled at making me feel guilty about things, and that I believe is ultimately the source of our occasional arguments: her ideology, making me feel guilty about my logic. And of course Radem agrees with her, but I suspect much of it is just for the sake of disagreeing with the way I see things.
I do listen to my grandmother a lot, and though I may not always agree with what she says, believes or does -- sometimes even think it is downright stupid, I do try my best to conform. I cannot claim to understand her ways or her mentality, but I am tired of upsetting her. She is one of the nicest people I know, and I do not want to burn her anymore, so I am just going to accept her ways, and that is that.
And hopefully, her idealized ways will work for me! Time will tell.

River has come back as well, but I fear that he and I can no longer be friends. He is completely without emotion and he has become very rude and unbearable to be around. Sai has also become a bit distant, but we are still friends. I hope. I plan to make arrangements to have him promoted from honorary bodyguard to a proper one. Forest is doing what Forest does. I heard he gave Ewan some trouble a little while ago.

Other than that... Athian has built a new greenhouse, Valric is still going on about his dragon thing, Mom is having a lot more good days now. Life is pretty good for me right now. Let us hope it carries on this way.

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

~~~ Entry 8, Day 346, Year 5, 4th Age

I love being pregnant, and I hate it. I cannot understand why my feelings contradict each other in such a fashion, but that is what I am dealing with now. My body is all swollen and I have been able to keep up with even Athian in my eating habits lately. I feel fat and unattractive, and yet I see in the corners of my vision that more people than I am used to give me glances. Not the inquisitive kind of glance either, but the kind of which speaks volumes of lust.
That is yet another contradiction that I loathe about myself. I feel so fat and unattractive, but I am told I am not. I know I am not, for why then would people continue to stare at me?

My body aches too. My back hurts if I stay upright for too long, and my ankles complain as well. I can no longer bend down to pick things up from the floor, nor can I pick myself up if I sit down in something that is too low or if, God forbid, I fall. I am used to doing everything on my own, having to ask for help all the time is just embarrassing. Ewan is good to me though. He is patient and helpful, and I think I would have perished were he not there to aid me through the day. I have my other friends too but since I have been disbanding my harem, they have been finding other hobbies or their own. I cannot blame them; we were friends for almost our whole lives so far, then I pick someone they did not even know to be my husband.
Not even picked, really. I suspect that even if Ewan had not become so precious to me, Father would still have made him my husband. He does not want this child to be a bastard. But I hope that the child will truly be Ewan's, for Sai raised a good point: if the child is not his, then it is still a bastard. Just like how I am a bastard, even if my mother and father both reject that truth.
Athian suggested that if I went into labour right this moment, Father would make Emir perform the rites then and there over my birthing body. More disconcerting is that I believe he would.

The Spring festival has been happening these past couple of weeks and I have actually found myself enjoying it -- even if the majority of my time has been pooled into devouring the contents of the banquet table. My father and Athian have really pulled out all the stops, and everyone has been having a great time. I notice a distinct absence of demons in the celebration, but I cannot tell if that is a good or bad thing. Perhaps they are scheming; perhaps they are hiding; perhaps they simply did not want to participate?
It makes me a little sad. My sympathy for them continues to grow as I begin to understand their situation better. Yet I still despise their presence, unable to forgive what they enabled my mother to suffer through even if I would not be here today, had they not. I wonder what has become of Kleopatra. I should visit her again some day.

Speaking of demons, I have not seen Valencia or Cecilia in a while. I hear my cousin has been finding some trouble around town lately, but we have not met again since that time in the ballroom. Valencia on the other hand, appears to have gone dark. I only occasionally see one of her underlings roam about the city. I observed in one particular instance one of their collies, who was bullying some children. Luckily the other adults in the area seemed to drive her off. I wonder, what is her problem?
There is also that large nude wolf with wings, but she seems unremarkable other than her very strange appearance. Valencia surrounds herself with strange creatures.

My wedding dress has been a subject of debate for the past couple of days now, but I have finally settled on what I want with the tailors. They will make me a beautiful dress that will fit around my pregnant belly. It will be plum-coloured, and it is going to be very fancy! Plum is a pretty colour. I would have preferred white, but I can see that the symbolism would not be entirely good. White symbolizes purity, but I am not pure any more. My belly betrays it. It does not make sense to me to use white for my dress.
The alternative would be to use a very revealing attire, but I feel it will not look good on my pregnant body. Perhaps that attire will become my usual garments when I have given birth to this baby. And thanks to Mishra, I now look forward to the birth. I will not feel pain, and he will help me deliver it safe and sound using a technique apparently invented by the Romans. It involves cutting into my womb and extracting the child from there, which will help spare me of certain damages. I am not that comfortable with the thought of being cut into, but Mishra has a powerful healing ability that will make me alright again when he is done.

When this is over with, perhaps he will teach it to me?


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

~~~ Entry 6, Day 49, Year 5, 4th Age.

River, Forest & Sai are all adult now just like me! They all went through with the potion matter, although I'm worried it got River into some serious trouble with his dad & sister. I hope he's alright, I haven't seen him for a while now. I did finally invite Forest into my harem though! He'll get to live with me, even if it's... work. And yes, I'm making a harem for myself. Not that we've initiated each other in it yet though. It's one of those things I've been wanting to try now, and finally when I'm allowed then it turns out the boys aren't that receptive. In River's defence, he was having a rough time but Forest just didn't get it. I haven't told Sai yet.

I went to visit the Vances the other day. I know I'm not allowed to, but I figure if it's from their blood that I'm made then I should get to know them at least a little. I walked out from there with a sense of sympathy for them. They're really not as bad as they're being made out to be, and Mrs. Vance even gave me some advice on how I might help my mother get better. And now I'm kind-of waiting for something to happen.
The past month has been pretty dull.

At least I got some money out of visiting the Vances, something that's off the records. I'm going to spend it on things I normally wouldn't be allowed money for! Just because!
It's fun breaking rules every now and again!

~ Yuna Fu Sheng

~~~ Entry 4, Day 9, year 5 of the 4th Age.

So I've finally learned the truth behind my origins. It took me a long time of trying to coax it out of Dad, and in the process I went down a few roads I probably shouldn't even have gone down to begin with. Such as soul magic and summonings, those kind of things. And now that I know the truth, I'm not entirely sure if I wanted to know it in the first place; I will admit that even to me, it's very jarring. Even more jarring is that I am not allowed to speak of it to anyone. Not even my friends. So I record it in my journal in hopes that some day I'll be able to look back on this and maybe understand things even better.

I am a rapechild. I wasn't ever meant to exist, nor was the way I was conceived meant to happen. While Mom was in the demons' grasp way back then, the demons did unspeakable things to her and they raped her repeatedly. Valric had already been planted but Mom is a lion so she could mother children of multiple fathers at the same time. This of course means that I'm not really Xahu's daughter. Not by blood, even though this revelation will not affect how I view him. He is my Dad as far as I'm concerned. My real dad.
But it raises several more questions that I'm now afraid I'll never be able to  learn the answer to. Daddy was very clear on the matter: do not speak of this to anyone. And if Mom ever found out that I know...I dread to think what would happen.

I will still continue to learn how to summon Eidolons but I will do so in more controlled environments, and under proper tutelage. At least I will as soon as Dad allows me to again. I think I've run out of free passes. My next offence will probably have severe repercussions.


I'm still growing at an alarmingly fast rate. In fact, I'm starting to feel awkward being surrounded by River, Sai & Forest because they're still kids and I'm blossoming into a woman. I'm growing boobs, I'm getting taller, I'm just growing! And they're way behind me!  So I finally took the plunge & asked River to join me. Well, not even asked... I feel bad doing so, but I played with his feelings to try and convince him to use alchemy to join me in adulthood. I just don't want to be alone, and I can't be seen hanging out with a bunch of young boys when I'm all adult-like; people will get the wrong idea!

Now I just need to convince Sai...


I hope things will calm around in the palace soon. I somehow feel calmer too, knowing the truth of my origins. It hurts. It hurts a lot. And I'm still going to try and fix my broken soul.
But my life hasn't been terrible. Dad has been my father even though I'm not his child by blood. He could have thrown me away or ignored me, but he didn't! In a way, he is my hero and saviour. He's my dad, and I love him. And I love Valric, and I love my Mom. I have an amazing life, with amazing people...and I am just starting to realize that.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng

~~~ Entry 2, Day 336 -- Year 4, of the 4th Age.

Sometimes I wonder if the freedoms we offer in this great city stretch a little too far. Specifically the freedoms we have in the things we can say and who we can criticize for what actions. Frustratingly, today I was lectured by a commoner--Lira, for taking the steps necessary to protect myself after a most vicious assault on my person! Or rather, what seemed like a most vicious assault at the time. But I will come back to that later in the entry.

Today has been a horrible day in nearly every way. It is only partially mitigated by the comforting presence of River and--to some degree Forest. The day started out promising enough. On a whim I went to visit the bathhouse which happened to be quite populated: Amon, Miriamella, Athian, Relina and Ryu were all there enjoying their baths. I watched them for a little while until Forest appeared and blew my cover, and a friendly chat ensued. We were soon joined by River after Ryu had gone home or something-- I was somewhat preoccupied and unable to absorb all the details of my environment. I kept being invited down into the water to bathe but I have some reservations against joining a bunch of naked men and women in a bathtub. It simply felt wrong to me so I politely refused, blaming it on my claws and that I was expecting a manicure.
Of course it did not stop me from getting soaked; Relina did something to the water and I was struck by a wave shot up from its surface. Soaked and frustrated, I exacted my revenge by dropping a big ice cube into their bathwater and then stomped away. Amon wanted to talk to me but I think he figured I was not in a very approachable mood then.

River and Forest both had to go shortly after and I was left to my own devices until Amon turned up in front of my bedroom door, and in his bathrobe no less! I am surprised that the guards even let him pass to begin with but somehow I suspect they shall not be letting him inside to talk to me again. He insisted I did not tell my parents what he told me but I made a point out of making no promises. To be entirely truthful, I will tell Father about Amon's visit and his chat with me. It was greatly upsetting and ruined my mood for pretty much the rest of the day.
In my first journal entry I detail my skepticism of Father's explanations as to how I came to look like a foxramau, but I think I would rather believe that than the diarrhea of the mouth that Amon served me. He implied that Mother had been forced to have me by Edhel Valentine, the patriarch of the Valentine family at the time of their abnormally short reign. The thought upsets me beyond belief. I suspect that I am a bastard but I will not be Edhel's bastard. Nor do I want anything to do with that family, and yet Amon insists that we are related by blood. I refuse to believe it, and I have informed the guards that I will not see him again if he wishes to talk to me in the palace. But even in my denial I cannot help but wonder if it is true. The terrible thought has formed in my mind and I cannot shake it.

At least my room is ready now so I can find solace in the brand new pink walls. I really do like pink. It is a soothing colour to me, one that is helping to elevate my spirits now that I am so stressed out.

Later events did not help at all. I encountered Solrin again, a fennec slave-turned-whore whose new workplace in Lismore is the Phoenix brothel located in the underground tunnels beneath our great city. It was initially a welcome meeting. I must admit that for all my perceived and practiced prudishness, I am fascinated by his chosen profession. I tried to dig a little bit and learn more about what he does with it, but with nothing to show for it. I did learn however that he is an excellent swordsman so I pit him against River for a spar. It was entertaining. River's skill with the sword impressed me. Although he technically lost the spar in the end, he managed to stay toe-to-toe with Solrin for quite some time. He will be a fine guard for me.
Of course Nazatuur arrived at the tail end of the fight and freaked a little out, and I do not know when Lira came into the picture. Athian and Mr. Fletcher had already arrived by then though, and I had greeted them although I do not think that Athian heard me. He left shortly after. I had wanted to show him my new adornments but that will have to wait for another time.

And then trouble began. I happened to let slip that we have a fennec slave named Ahmaro in the palace, and Solrin acted as though his mind had been lost! He grabbed me tightly and refused to let me go, asking me about Ahmaro. I was on the verge of panic and it was thanks to River, Forest & Mr. Fletcher's fast reactions that it did not go horribly wrong. That was scary though. I have never been grabbed like that before, and I hope I will never again. I was so scared I acted completely irrationally, and then I became so angry that all I wanted to do was see poor Solrin thrown in the dungeon to rot there for eternity. I'm grateful that River was there to calm me down, but Lira only tried to worsen my mood.
Lira instantly compared me to the Valentines and started lecturing me right there and then, as if I had committed some sort of crime for freaking out and reacting how I've been trained to react in dangerous situations: securing myself against danger. The Valentines are a sensitive subject to me since Amon's visit and I do not appreciate being compared to them. She could not have picked a worse time to make that comparison; my confidence is completely shot. I cried for an hour after I went back home again.
More frustratingly, she seems to think I was wrong for taking measures to defend myself, that I was the criminal! I tried to explain to her, albeit in my fit of rage, that I am the princess and that far worse fates would have befallen Solrin had my usual guards been there. That I am protected and not to be touched in such a way. Had my father been there to see it, I suspect he would have had Solrin killed on the spot!
It feels like this Lira person--River's sister no less, wants me to get harmed. And after being compared to the Valentines, I fear that that is how it is. She wants me to hurt because I look like a foxramau. She may as well have told it to my face for all the good her evasion did. I made it clear to her that I will not suffer her 'opinions' anymore unless they are requested. I do not need tactless idiots to second-guess me when I am protecting myself against potential harm. I shall ask Father to instruct my guards to place her under arrest if she does it again. I hope he will agree to that. Honestly it is not because I do not want to hear what Lira has to say, nor do I wish to muzzle her. But when she all but openly supports the idea that I could be harmed the way she did, I have to draw the line. And if Lira thinks that she can win a battle against me on that particular subject matter, she has got another thing coming for her.

On the other hand, she is River's sister. I do not wish to alienate River for the sake of some petty revenge plot for this one or any future transgerssions. More importantly, I want to kill the idea that I am like the Valentines, and I want to do that as quickly as possible. There are several reasons for this, the most prominent of which being that Lira does not know me, and that drawing such conclusions about me out of one isolated incident where I, a child of all things, was scared out of my hide to the point where I was "this" close to summoning the entire city guard to help me, is a terrible idea. It is slander! And I am sure that after today, she will tell the story of how I am like the Valentines to everyone in her social circle. I already get looks from people, I do not need that kind of publicity.

I finally understand why Mother spends so much time indoors hidden away from people. I am her daughter. I dread to think the grief she has to endure because of my appearance. The speculations and rumours.


I think that perhaps I should just stay inside as well. I do not want to go outside anymore; that experience has robbed me of all joy in interacting with the people. It is safest for me indoors so that noone can make up more rumours to slander me with.

I hope Solrin will take me up on that dinner invitation though, so at least I can mend the situation with him.


~ Yuna Fu Sheng